Ten thousand miles

Ten thousand miles seperate your lips from mine,

But our hearts have never been more closely entwined.

Nothing will stand between you and me,

Nothing, not even the might sea.

For love knows no time, knows no distance,

My feelings will be beside you in an instance.

I will stay strong, I will stay brave,

I will not break, I will not cave!

For the future is firmly founded by my faith,

With patience I await the day you once more fall into my embrace.

Today was perfect.

I feel so close to you right now

It's a force field

I wear my heart upon my sleeve, like a big deal

Your love pours down on me, surrounds me like a waterfall

And there's no stopping us right now

I feel so close to you right now

"Relationships are scary", a friend once said to me

And i couldnt agree more. I know this may seem like an obvious thing to say, but relationships are hard...

Having spent the past 20 years by myself, learning to share my life with another person is a really challenging experience. No longer can i do as i please, for my every action and inaction will affect the person i care most about. I am subjected to a whole new range of experiences and emotions, and find myself in situations that i do not know how to deal with yet.

I guess this stems partly from my lack of experience, but also from my own flaws. The past few months have made me discover new things about myself. I realise now that I am emotionally immature, irrational, intolerant, have a tendency to over-think and over-complicate things, a control freak, and very selfish. I've also learnt that being truly good to someone and thinking that youre being good to someone are two VERY different things.

The truth is, i really don't know what the fuck im doing. There's so much that i don't know, so much that i need to learn, so much that i need to improve on. I really wish that there was a text book or manual on how to be a good boyfriend and maintain a healthy relationship. Sadly, nothing in life is ever that easy.

However, the first step to finding a solution to a problem is recognising what the problem is. So at least im on the right track.

It's midnight, all is quiet except for the gentle but steady pitter patter of midnight rain, so you all know what that means...

...IT'S TIME FOR A SENTIMENTAL POST!!! *imaginary crowd goes wild*

So, tomorrow is going to be my last exam of the year, maybe forever. I can't believe time flies by so quickly. What a year it has been. So many ups and downs, although more ups than downs i have to say. Tonight is no different from any typical night one year ago - im sitting at my laptop in my room, illuminated by only a lamp, writing a blogpost while listening to the reassuring sounds of midnight rain outside my window. Yet something has changed. While i still feel uncertain about my future, I am more confident about my present.

When i turned 21, people told me that this year would be my year. I didn't believe them. To me, it seemed like it was going to be just another year. A year devoid of change, devoid of progress, devoid of hope.

Boy was i was wrong. 2012, whether it is the year that the world ends or simply the natural successor of 2011, is a year that to me, stands out from the rest. It has been a year of self-discovery, of progress, and of new experiences. While the esoteric "Career" which the older generations preach of still has yet to appear on the horizon, I have made some new progress in my life. I've acquired my full drivers license, and am just about to complete my Bacherlors degree and Postgraduate diploma, among other things. Things that i thought i wasn't capable of, things that i thought i wouldn't be able to accomplish this year, I have now managed to achieve *hopefully*. These things have given me new confidence, new hope, and a renewed excitement for the future.

One of my biggest worries in the past few years is that i won't be able to find a job when i graduate, that i will let my entire family down. But what this year has taught me, if nothing else, is that if i put my mind to something, i can achieve it. I feel that over this year, i have learnt to become comfortable with who i am. Some of the people that i used to surround myself with made me feel that there was something wrong with me. But getting away from them, being by myself, and meeting new people has made me gain a new appreciation for who i am. Yes, i am still flawed. But my perception of myself has changed, and I can feel myself changing alongside it. With my changing self-perception, i feel that the way i engage with others has also changed. I no longer feel a desperate need to be liked, to belong, to fit in. I know who my real friends are, I know who i am, and these are the precious things that i will hold on to.

So, tomorrow is going to be my last exam. Although i didn't get 9A+ like i said i would, i may still be able to end this year with one A+ if all goes well tomorrow. Even if i don't, its okay, because whatever the future holds for me - be it success, failure, happiness or heartbreak - i feel like i am more capable of facing it head on.

To all those that feel like they are struggling in life: chin  up mate, you're not alone, so don't ever give up the fight.
Exciting times ahead. FIGHT ON!

世界之大为何我们相遇 难道是缘分 难道是天意

On repeat...

This has got to be her best MV so far. The european backdrop, the cinematography, the story, her outfits, her expressions, her red lips, and the look in her eyes, its all perfect. Just perfect.

This is the first time in a long time that I've studied every single lecture thats going to be potentially tested in the exam

So here goes nothing...

Ahhh fuck...

studying is hard...
and i miss you.

Some thought on social disparities

So I accompanied my mother to the specialist this morning to help her translate. For a 25minute consultation with the specialist, it cost her $320.

I was a little shocked and disgusted by the ridiculousness of the price.  I mean I knew specialists made a lot, but charging that kind of price and getting away with it is like getting away with murder.

But walking out of there, I felt a sense of  righteous anger rise up within me. I know that these doctors have worked very hard to get to where they are today, but to charge average citizens like my mother half of her week's wage just for a 25mintue consultation is just fucking bullshit. No wonder most people cannot afford to see a doctor. Its professions like this that contribute to social disparities between the rich and the poor. While ordinary people have to work just as hard everyday if not harder only to make 1/20th of what he makes, people in high end professions sit in their own offices with their own receptionists, and enjoy a tax cut from John Key.

Its not my mother that's sick, its this society.

So, I've come to the conclusion that i need to study harder, and work harder, so that one day I can charge him a ridiculous amount of money too if he just wants to build something in his own backyard.

Finding a job is like finding a girlfriend

You're always on the lookout for vacancies.
When you find one that you believe you have the suitable qualifications for, you go for it.
You find out as much as you can about it, you do your homework.
Then you polish up your resume, and you put on a new cover letter.
And when you've done all your preparation, you apply for it.

Sometimes you will get outright rejected.
The nice ones will send you a message saying you don't meet the requirements, but should stay on the mailing list in case another opportunity arises.
The mean ones don't bother replying at all.

But if you're lucky, you will make it to the next stage.
Then the preparation starts all over again.
You practice your lines in front of the mirror, going over every situation in your head, and how you could respond confidently and in a witty fashion.
You put on some fancy clothes, and you spend hours on your appearance.
You ask your friends for advice.
Maybe you'll even ask your parents for advice.
You tell yourself you are confident, you are capable, you are smart, you can do this.
Then you go and have the talk.

This is where most people will fall short.
After all, they're only looking for one person in a sea of applicants.
But if you're persistent.
If you keep seeking.
And you keep trying.
And you keep applying.
Eventually, one day, you will find the job that is just right for you.
A job that will be willing to accept you, for who you are.
Despite all your flaws and the mistakes you've made in the past.
Despite your lack of experience and mediocre academic history.
They will take you.
And you will be that one lucky guy who got the job.

In the end, its not about getting your dream job.
Its about finding the one that most suits you.
Then you'll realise that this is what you've been looking for the entire time.
But, if you don't seek, you won't find.

I will find the right job!

If i could make one wish

It would be that i could enjoy everything that i do, whether it be cleaning my room, doing my assignment, or working at a 9-5 job. This way, i would always be happy, no matter what.

tonight was a weird night. its as if im living in a dream. and its not even over yet =/

If i was an american, i'd vote for Obama and the Democrats.
But as a chinese, i'd vote for Romney and the Republicans.
Because a weaker America means a stronger China :p

Im having the best morning today

So in addition to the sore throat, cough and runny nose that i already have, i woke up to a furious nosebleed this morning from one of my nostrils. After waiting for his twin brother to calm his fury, my other nostril decided to erupt too, cause its just one of those days. Now i still have to drag my sorry ass to uni and do my 40% assignment due this friday, so i can start on my 50% assignment due next tuesday.

Yet somehow the more shit life throws at me, the more determined i am to beat it. Its too late to give up now, guess ill just have to finish everything that ive started. Carpe diem bitches.

Life is like a cup of coffee

It's bitter at the beginning, but gets sweeter the more you drink (assuming you put sugar in yours and you don't stir it properly so that most of the sugar ends up at the bottom).

What a beautiful day today is. It's the kind of day you just want to do nothing and spend the entire day lazing in the sun with someone important to you. Instead, im stuck inside finishing my assignment. But the bitter part is almost over, and its gonna make the sweet part taste all that much sweeter.

10 assignments and two tests down, 3 assignments and 2 exams left to go. Fight on!

Lately, i feel like im less reckless with my money

I don't know if its the economic recession or whether im just getting older and wiser or because im no longer responsible just for myself, but i find myself trying (although somewhat failing) to save.

Next year i will no longer be getting allowance, and i am okay with that. I think getting an allowance every week has meant that i've forgotten the value of  a dollar. Even though ive worked at least once a week for the past 7 or so years of my life, i still don't fully appreciate how hard money comes. Next year, i will have to support my own outside expenses. Im hoping i will find a suitable job, something in my field. Maybe then, ill finally learn the true value of a dollar, and learn to save money like a responsible adult.

But first, i gotta quit smoking. That's $16 ill be saving every week, which is $800 a year!

SMD Kevin Simon you arrogant, unsympathetic, two-faced douchebag!!!

Lol "daily dose for taurine should not exceed 500mg"

I've consumed about 5000mg in the last 24hrs.
I don't think i'm going to live long...

Dear students graduating today

I sincerely congratulate you on meeting the necessary requirements for the completion of your degree. Today, you will laugh and smile and chat away happily as you celebrate and take photos with your family and friends, creating memories that will be cherished for the rest of your life. But as the laughter dies down and the sun is replaced by the moon, a question will begin to gnaw at you from the back of your mind: "so what now?"

Well, let me tell you what now. Its all gonna be downhill where everyone falls to their demise with no money and no job because uni is one big fucking lie. For some of you, you will go on to accomplish great things. You will start off with a job that pays well, has easy hours, is in the field which you studied, and which interests you. And if you work hard, you will climb up the corporate ladder.

But for most of you graduates, please don't be foolish enough to think its all going to be uphill from now. Most of you are not going to end up in a job that you imagined yourself to be in when you graduate. Its not going to pay particularly well, its not going to be easy, and most particularly, it probably wont have a rat's ass to do with what you studied. Those that work hard may get somewhere yet, but the majority will either be stuck in the same shitty job for the rest of their lives, or drift from job to job.

Even if you are graduating with a PhD, it probably won't mean shit. Because the higher your degree is, the higher your expectations will be, and thus the more likely you will be disappointed. This is the painful truth. This is the cruel nature of reality. In today's world, there are simply too many graduates, and too little good jobs. Someone has to clean the shit out of the toilet. Someone has to sweep the streets. Someone has to grow the food that we eat. You may think those jobs are unfit for a university graduate, and I dont blame you for thinking that, but get ready to be unemployed for a lonnnngggggg fucking time.

To the white girl with the nice smile taking a photo outside engineering holding two degrees, you look like you will go places.

To the leggy blonde with the hot boyfriend, you'll most likely end up working at calendar girls hold on to your man, his suit looks pretty expensive.

Now, don't take this personally. This has more to do with my discontent of the education system, and more than anything, of myself, than anything to do with you. I've learnt the hard way that, university is only worth the investment of money and time if youre going to study properly. If you don't then you really shouldn't be at uni. Go learn a trade, go volunteer for the peacecorp, go work your way around the world, do something useful with your life.

Everyday, i desperately wish i could go back 4 years in time, to when i first started university. If i could, i would do things differently. I guess this is something i only realised at the beginning of this year. That's why ive been studying so hard. But im scared that its already too late. In this world, sometimes you only have one shot at things. If you fuck up, then you'll have to live with your mistake for the rest of your life.

My poor monies...

Easy come, easy go, thats just how my money lives

Oh, spend, spend, spend it all but I never save...

A poem I wrote for Chinese Valentines, enjoy =]

This is a poem I write for you

Every word, every pause, speaks the truth

It matters not if my words you do not comprehend

These mortal boundaries my feelings will transcend

For emotions can be understood in any language

A type of prose only the heart can manage

You are the blue sky after a night of rain

Bright, boundless, and more beautiful than words can explain

I am the clouds that bathe in your beauty

In your presence I float euphoric and carefree

Your gentle smile wipes away all my problems

And in its place happiness blossoms

Your tender voice melts away my strongest defences

Leaving my heart absolutely defenceless

Your innocent eyes see through all my pretensions

You see the real me, with pure apprehension.

This is a poem I write for you

There’s so much more for you I’d do

It matters not if my gestures you do not understand

I do not need a reason to want to hold your hand

Everything I’ve written is from the heart

From within me these feelings I impart

The person that i need

 "There's a pain that sleeps inside
It sleeps with just one eye
And awakens the moment that you leave
Though I try to look away
The pain it still remains
Only leaving when you're next to me

Do you know, that everytime you're near
Everybody else seems far away
So can you come and make them disappear
Make them disappear and we can stay"

So the other day, i missed out on a really good job opportunity

I had applied for a summer studentship and they emailed me back for an interview. But i did not see the email in time because i went to Great Barrier for a week, and now its too late.

Even though there was no guarantee that i would get the job, I felt really disappointed. I guess im upset about the wasted opportunity, and angry at myself. Now once again, i feel the wave of past regrets surging up to drown me. I find myself getting lost in a sea of what-ifs and what-could've-beens, slowly sinking into the darkness of its bottomless depth. (Lol, why am i even using an extended metaphor about water? The studentship was about fucking soils!) Such doubts and regrets are just the lastest in my growing disillusionment and resentment of tertiary education institutions. IT'S ALL FUCKING LIES!!!

Anyways, its really easy to lose myself in such insecurities, i guess its something that plagues everyone to some extent. I need to stop worrying about the future or tormenting myself over the past, and just focus on the present. If i work hard enough, if i try enough times, if i am truly worthy, i believe i will find the right girl job one day.

画上句号

昨晚，我没有睡好，因为我太兴奋了。

我终于可以把我的过去画上一个句号；把我以前的经历告一个段落。

我的生活从今天开始翻了新的一页，进入了下一个阶段。

我很兴奋，并且也很害怕。未来的路还很艰难，很漫长。

可是我有了新的勇气，有了新的希望，可以大胆地去面对无可避免的困难和考验。
我要努力。我要奋斗。我要成功。

未来，你来吧！

this day has finally arrived

the day of her coming

the day of my salvation

the day darkness will be driven from my world

and my desolate cheeks will once more feel the kiss of sunlight

the day the barren cold will be banished from my life

and even the ice within the recesses of my heart will begin to thaw

the day bare branches will sprout life anew

and from the pallid pupae will emerge something beautiful

the day solitary stems will bear fresh bulbs

and from these bulbs the promise of love will blossom

it has been a long time coming, but she is finally here

yes, spring has arrived.

So much has been happening lately

but i don't really want to talk about it, cause a smart man knows when to keep the good things to himself~ Not that im smart or anything.

I'd just like to say: "thank god there are still good people in this world!"
So last night due to my own stupidity, my car ran out of battery. I was in the middle of Browns Bay more than 20km away from home or any of my friends, and to top it all off, it was 12am and it was fucking freezing outside.

I started to panic. I thought i was screwed. Done for. I'd have to call my parents out during the middle of the night to come and jump start my car cause surely none of my friends would be bothered enough to come out and get me (except for that time Donald came out to jump start my car one time and which i will always remember).

Then i saw that one of the nearby houses had their lights on. Having a random person come knocking on their door at 12am, surely i'd be lucky if they didn't pull a shotgun on me, let alone help jump start my car. It was a long shot, but i was desperate. So i knocked on their door and a small malaysian couple answered. I explained my situation and miraculously, they agreed to help me.

It was an amazing act of generosity. Like seriously. When you're knee deep in shit and a stranger is willing to lend a hand out to help you even though they won't be getting anything back, it's so heartwarming. I guess it goes to show not everyone in this world is evil and selfish.

Faith in this world: restored.

Wish everyone a happy Chinese Valentines =]

说不上为什么　
我变得很主动
若爱上一个人　
什么都会值得去做
我想大声宣佈　
对你依依不舍
连隔壁邻居都猜到
我现在的感受
河边的风　
在吹着头发飘动
牵着你的手　
一阵莫名感动
我想带你　
回我的外婆家
一起看着日落　
一直到我们都睡着
我想就这样牵着你的手不放开
爱能不能够永远单纯没有悲哀
我　想带你骑单车
我　想和你看棒球
想这样没担忧　
唱着歌　一直走
我想就这样牵着你的手不放开
爱可不可以简简单单没有伤害
你　靠着我的肩膀
你　在我胸口睡着
像这样的生活　
我爱你　你爱我
想　简！简！单！单！　爱...
想　简！简！单！单！　爱...

The news is so depressing these days

All you read about is people getting killed in accidents, children getting sexually abused (some by their own teachers), murders, rapes, robberies, and injuries.

Of course, it's important to report these things, because after all we have a right to know about the dangers out there. But it's just so damn depressing reading them all the time. I mean is this all there is to life? But despite the bias in these stories, the reality is that we DO live in  a dangerous world.

Just last friday, my friend walked out into the intersection thinking it was safe to cross when the lights merely went yellow. Had i not reacted fast enough and pulled her into my arms, she might've been hit by the car that sped past a moment later.

You see in movies all the time of the guy pulling the girl into his arms as shes about to get hit by a vechile and saves her life and it seems romantic and all, but in reality i was scared fucking shitless.

The reality was that i could've lost her, just in an instant. One moment we could be chatting happily, and the next she could be seriously injured or worse. It's made me realise how fragile life really is, and that at every moment tragedy is waiting around the corner to pounce on you, as soon as your guard slips for a fraction of a second.

It's also made me realise my responsiblities as a man. She has placed her trust in me, so I have a duty to protect her from the dangers of this world. I guess this is also a part of growing up - learning to protect those people that you care about.

So be careful everyone, and be safe!

5个paper比我想象得还要艰苦。我都快要崩溃了>.<"

要是我能坚强得渡过这两个月，天塌了我都能撑得住！！！

加油吧王子雨！！！
（自我鼓励~）

Every morning I'm embroiled in a battle.

It's a battle with myself. A battle to summon enough courage to face a new day, to face the world, to study, to complete my duties. It's a steep battle that i am never guaranteed to win. But nonetheless i try. At times when I'm on the brink of defeat; when i just want to stay at home and watch TV for a whole day, or spend my entire day at the internet cafe; when i want to neglect all my responsibilities and hide from the world; i think about my dream; i think about my future; i think about her, and somehow i manage to find the strength within me to cling on to the fight. I slip on my shoes, wrap my bag around me, put on a grimace, and step over the threshold into the sunlight.

So after more than a year...

i've once again signed on to another $15/month donation plan, this time with UNICEF.
I'm not entirely sure what compelled me to do that.
Maybe i just didn't want to say no to the fundraiser.
Maybe he was really persuasive and genuine.
Maybe i got swindled again.
Maybe i just want to gain some good karma.
Or maybe i've just regained my faith in the world. Regained faith in myself.

I don't know. I guess it was because on the bus on my way to uni, i saw a graffitti on the wall. It was an image of a white boy sitting by a pond, fishing without a care in the world. This was contrasted by an image a few metres away of a black boy in a bandana brandishing an AK-47. The symbolism was not lost on me. I thought to myself: "This is the world we live in."

So maybe, the real reason i decided to become a donor again, is because I don't really like the world we live in. And while many people of our generation today may feel satisfied by simply liking and sharing photos of starving African children on FB in the belief that their efforts will amount to something, maybe I just wanted to make a difference that's more substantial.

I guess what im really trying to say is, i think i've recovered a fragment of my old self - the person who wanted to save the environment and fix this world's problems. The person who gave a fuck. I guess i've regained a little belief in life again.

UNICEF isn't the most efficient international aid agency out there. But that's not really the point. The point is about choosing to be a little less selfish again. 50cents a day really isn't much, but it beats spending it on a cigarette. In a way, im saving two lives.

Why does time pass so slowly when you're studying =.="

我头都快要炸了！！！

Speaking of exploding heads, if Nick's head exploded would it be like today's Tongariro eruption?

I think i know why the gym is so crowded these days, everyone is inspired to exercise by the Olympics!

I wish i was the best at something in the world, or even just in my country. Even if its something obscure and irrelevant. Im not even the best at procrastinating, but im pretty damn good ;D

Okay back to study now...

This is the last time i will destroy something of my own because of an argument with my parents

Today my dad hit me. I suppose i deserved it. I kept playing starcraft despite him warning me not to, and he finally snapped. I've never seen him so angry before in my life. Yet somehow, i didn't feel upset or angry at all. He threatened to destroy my laptop, and in response, that's what i did. I smashed it to peices. Im not sitting here bragging, nor am i lamenting the loss of my laptop. That's not to say it wasn't precious to me. My laptop was one of my most prized possessions. We spent thousands of hours together over the past 3 years. But it seemed like the rational decision to make at the time. I backed up all my important files, then i destroyed my own laptop. It's stupid and immature really. It's not the first time this has happened - destroying something of my own to get back at my parents. The only person i end up hurting is myself. That's why, this will be the last time i destroy something precious to me because of conflict with my parents.

But on the bright side, i can't play starcraft ever again.

Its so hard to concentrate

Lately, i feel i've had alot of hate within me.
Alot of hate and pent up anger.
These negative emotions have served as the fuel that feeds the fire burning inside of me, motivating me and driving me with an almost fervent zeal to study.
It's as if i have a grudge against the world, and feel the desperate and sick need to prove myself.
I know this is wrong.
I don't have to prove anything to anyone.
But I can't help myself.
I thirst for success.
I hunger for it.
I crave it.
I NEED it.
I feel the need to prove myself to the world, to all those people who ever doubted me.
Prove myself to those people who looked down on me, who thought i wasn't good enough.
A part of me wants to be the guy, who people will hear about on television, or read about in the newspaper, and they'd say "wow, i used to know that guy."
Its as if to enact retribution, vengeance, revenge.
I know this isn't right.
It's not like ive been wronged.
Yet somehow i can't shake the feeling of indignation.
Nothing good will come out of a mindset like this.
There will be no happiness at the end of this road, only emptiness.
I wish i could absolve my hatred.
I wish i could let go of my anger.
I wish i could wake up one morning and know that my soul is free from the shadows of these shackles.
But I can't help myself.
This is what i've become.

我没事就偷着乐吧 >=]

I want to watch Mannequin...

Watching olympics athletes compete is so inspirational

Olympic athletes are the epitome of human self-discipline.
They are a testament to the power of one person's will.
And an inspiration to all of us who are struggling in life.

An entire life, dedicated to the pursuit and realisation of one dream - to win gold and become verified as the world's VERY BEST.

Just even being able to stand on the olympic stage is an amazing feat, for they would have to triumph over so many other people, just as dedicated and hardworking as they are, to get to this point.

I cannot begin to imagine the amount of blood, sweat and tears they have expended to get to where they are today. The pain they have endured, the sacrifices they have made, the time, money and effort they have invested, just to get a shot at realising their dream.

How do they do it?
How do they dedicate their entire everything to one goal, one dream?

What kind of mentality, what kind of heart, they must have, to be able to endure hours and hours of workouts, training, and practices just to shave one second off the clock? Just to land with their feet 1 inch closer? Just to make a smaller splash? Just to jump 1cm higher? Just to lift 1kg more? Just to twirl another revolution in the air? Just to achieve absolute perfection?

What kind of self-discipline they must have, to lead a strictly routinized lifestyle day in and day out? To follow a perfectly balanced diet, to adhere to a tight sleeping routine, to abstain from any indulgent substances or activities.

What kind of yearning, desire and resolve they must have, to be able to climb back up from the darkest, deepest pits of despair following defeat to clinch victory in the end?
These people must have overcome countless obstacles, endured innumerable tribulations, triumphed over insurmountable odds, to get to where they are today.

I cannot hope to understand the emotions they must've had to live with everyday - the fear, the despair, the doubt, the pain, the sorrow. There must've been so many times when they thought about just giving up, thought about quitting, because it just wasn't worth it anymore. Yet somehow, they managed to pick themselves back up, steel their resolve, and push on through.

It's all very easy for me to say that this isn't the way that i want to live my life, that that's not what i want out of life. But in the end, im only saying that because i dont have it in me to accomplish what they have accomplished. The problems that i face, the trials that i have to overcome, are NOTHING in comparison to what they must go through. I really have no right to say that something is just too hard, or cry about how i just dont have enough time, or complain that its just too damn tiring.

Look at what these athletes have gone through. I really should take a page out of their book.

I truly admire and respect each and every one of these athletes, for each of them are one of the very best in their field. One day, i hope to have even a fraction of their strength, discipline, resolve, and desire, so that i too can become one of the very best in what i love doing.

So these days, im always alone

yet im never lonely.

I always seem to run into people i know, and end up having unexpected but pleasant conversations. It's really nice, living this way. Not constantly being surrounded by one's friends gives one the freedom and peace to enjoy the quiet retreat of one's own company.

So today, i enjoyed the bittersweet experience of eating dinner and studying by myself at BK. I sat at a quiet booth for two, facing the massive TV screen. I had my readings in one hand and a small drink with unlimited refills in the other. Occasionally people would walk by, and I'd do my best to ignore them. But there was a particularly affectionate couple sitting across the aisle from me, and i began to feel a little uncomfortable. I started to wonder, how did i look in their eyes?

In my own minds eye, i was a strong, independent man who was dedicated to the pursuit and fulfillment of his dream. But i couldn't help but feel i may have been just a tad bit biased in having thought that. Just a tad.

How did they see me? Did they see a loner? A misanthropist? Did they see a creep? Or perhaps they saw a nerd? A geek? Or maybe, they saw the next 'Batman', ifyouknowwhatimean. It didn't really occur to me till then, how i may have appeared to passerbys. I realised at that point that i had become one of those people who go to restaurants by themselves, sit in corners, and be occasionally seen smiling for no apparent reason or just muttering to themselves.

LOL i kid, i kid.

In all honesty, I didn't know whether to be happy or sad. It was a huge improvement for me, given that only a few years ago i couldn't bear the thought of even walking into a fast food joint without being accompanied by someone else. Nowdays, i can sit there by myself for hours. Plus, its not like im just sitting there, im actually studying, so i have a legitimate reason to be there, right? RIGHT?

But then i thought about the pangs of sympathy i felt when i saw those people sitting by themselves in McDonalds or Wendys, and then i didn't feel so optimistic.

But that's okay. No pain no gain right? Im kinda glad im doing this. It's about time i start putting in the hard yards. I've been getting by all my life relying on my good memory and small wits, without ever having really put in a lot of effort into what i do. I feel that if i am ever going to change, this year is as good as any to. I don't know how long this motivation will last, but the fire of desire is burning inside me once again. 每个人要是想用有动力，就必须有奋斗的目标。我找到了我可为奋斗的目标。省下的就要看我怎么去实现它了。

So im waiting for my electric blanket to heat up before i go to sleep

So i might as well write a blog post!

Trolololol you mad cops? Apparently there were alot of them outside the bar and around K road, but somehow i managed to elude them and got home safely. This will be the last time i drink and drive (hopefully). A chain of events recently have made me realise how precious life truly is and how easily we can lose it if we behave irresponsibly. So from now on, im going to be a more responsible person, for my sake. 

WOW, what a fun filled night. I expected the worst and it pretty much turned out for the best. If you're reading this Sarah Ding Dong, happy birthday again and thanks for inviting me and thanks for having such an awesome party.

Im really glad i went to this party tonight. I thought about not coming, due to fears that it would be awkward and i'd have a shit time but no, it was really good. I managed to accomplish what i set out to do. I caught up with friends, wished Sarah a happy birthday, and made amends. I guess i've finally tied up all my loose ends, and now i can finally move on and embrace my new life. It was heartwarming to see everyone so happy and enjoying themselves. One of the most redeeming qualities about humanity is our ability to forgive and forget, and i really witnessed that tonight. Things almost felt as if they never had changed. Almost.

Im really glad i went to this party tonight. Im sincerely happy for my friend. I think she's found a real catch. He's a hard worker and seems like someone who can challenge and motivate her to become someone better. I am truly happy for the two of them and i wish them both the best for the future.

Im really glad i went to this party tonight. Now everything feels so clear to me. Its obvious where my future lies. I feel motivated, empowered. I feel even more compelled now to fulfill my dream, because thats all I really have, besides myself. I feel so happy right now. So happy that i could cry. Theres nothing weighing down on me anymore. Nothing holding me back. Im free. Free as a fucking bird.

I feel like ive really matured over these past few months. Im alot more comfortable with myself and my responsibilities, and a lot less insecure. I don't think its a new breed of arrogance, but rather a quiet but unshakable belief in my own capabilities. I want to become more humble, more tolerant of others, more understanding, because these are the kind of people who are truly confident in who they are. I've quit smoking, i've quit starcraft, and i truly look forward to the future and the fresh challenges it will bring.

Just on an ending note, i'd like to say that i love all my friends, and that life is beautiful. Au revoir!

It's funny how quickly my mood changes

This morning i was taking a walk outside. The sun was shining and the sky was so blue and mayday was playing in my ears and i began to skip. I felt perfectly content at that moment, just being able to take a nice walk on a lovely day while listening to music i love. In that moment i felt like everything was going to be okay, that everything will work itself out. All my worries seemed to dissolve and i experienced a moment of pure happiness. Yet now, i feel depressed about the state of my life. Im annoyed with myself. I feel like nothing will work out, none of my problems will solve itself and im doomed to live a life of misery. The rational part of me tells me that how my life will actually turn out will be like neither of these extremes, but rather something in the middle. But right now, i can't help but feel like shit.

Just wanna say hi to my newest follower ^^

It always feels so gratifying for a blogger to gain a new follower, its something that should never be taken granted.

So yea welcome Cindy haha =]

We live in a complex, dynamic world that is constantly changing

In my minds eye, the cityscape viewed from Devonport had always been much bigger. But today, upon seeing it again, Auckland city seemed so far away, so tiny. The magic of its charm has been lost. Staring at it across the water, I didn't feel anything. I felt detached from it, as if it belonged in another world. I guess i'm finally over everything. Everything that this city resembles, offers, and contains. Its history, its landmarks, its people. Im over it all.

"It looks so big but its actually so empty," one of my friends said.
She's right.

Scrolling down the pages of facebook, photos of people living their lives pop up everywhere. In a way, i find it consoling. Everyone is doing something with their life, walking their own path, finding their own directions. Again, it just reinforces what i've increasingly known and have now come to accept - we live in a complex, dynamic world that is constantly changing. People are changing, relationships are changing, livelihoods are changing. Even my own life, which has always seemed so static to me, has changed drastically over the past few months without me even realising. Ive now realised the futility of trying to fight against change, to maintain the status quo, to hold on to relics of the past. Instead, i've learnt to embrace the change, even enjoy it - for it is a natural part of life.

A few things that's happened lately has made me really happy. A notable one is my improved relationship with my family, particularly with my parents. I feel like the atmosphere is really good at home right now and the sound of laughter can always be heard. Even after a tiring day at work, we can all sit at the dinner table and talk and laugh about the days events. To be able to emotionally open up to my parents and connect with them gives me a satisfaction and happiness that i have not known for a long time.

Another notable thing is that one of my closest friend has finally found happiness. I am truly glad for him, for he deserves every bit of it. He is a truly good guy who works hard, and now he has been generously awarded by life. Hes now got the whole package - car, job, and girl. Congratulations bro, you deserve it.

As for me, things are starting to look up too. In fact, its a little frightening when things start going my way, because im not used to it, and i feel as if at any moment its all going to be taken away from me and ill wake up to find that life has once again played a cruel joke on me. But no, i know now that you get out what you put in. My past failures has merely been a result of my lack of effort, with perhaps only a pinch of bad luck. I truly look forward to this semester. I have no expectations for anyone else, but i do have expectations for myself and what i should achieve. I know where my rightful place is now. All i have to do is claim it. POKEMON!!

That awkward moment when

you think you're alone and you're dancing by yourself and then your tenant walks by.

And that sad moment when you blog about it afterwards.

我现在

不害怕学习。
不害怕干活。
不害怕吃苦。
不害怕一个人。
我现在，
不害怕黑暗。
不害怕跌倒。
不害怕失败。
不害怕被抛弃。
我现在，
只害怕死。
因为我要活的原因太多了。

Cats are like women

I don't understand them at all.
One moment they're friendly and intimate, nek minnit they're ignoring you.

the little things

i like the way a street light looks on a misty night

the way its cone of light illuminates just a little segment of this world

that if you were to stand under it, you'd be in a world of your own.

i like the way the cloud of smoke drifts into the night sky

the way my lips tremble slightly as i exhale gently

each particle floating carefree in the wake of its new found freedom.

i like the way the piano notes rise to a crescendo just before a song is about to finish

the way it lets out its final breath as it meets its demise

as if wanting to impart as much beauty as possible to the listener

not knowing that the moment of silence that ensues is even more beautiful.

i like that moment of silence just after a song has ended and before the next one starts playing

the way the world seems to come to a standstill in that moment

that split second of absolute silence on a quiet misty night

when the whole world is asleep and it is only you and the solitary worlds illuminated by the street lights.

i like the huskiness in your voice as you utter hello

and the way your eyes crinkle when you smile.

i like the way you avert your eyes when you chew

and the way you cover your mouth when you laugh.

i like the way you never say what you mean

but always do what you say.

i like the way a person can know so much about another

yet not know anything at all.

and that is what i want.

to know someone so well that i come to love them for the little things.

I feel like i ought to write something

but what should i say?

I've generated many post ideas in the past few days, but somehow i never got around to writing them down and now, i've forgotten what i wanted to say.

So ive kinda been depressed the last few days. It always happens after i watch a really good anime movie or series, or even just a really meaningful normal movie. Recently, i watched The Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya. I have to say, it is one of the best animated movies i've seen. Right up there with 5cm/s and Hayao Miyazaki's films. It was so good, so magical, so whimsical, that it left me completely discontent with this world. I didn't know what to do with  myself afterwards. I felt totally lost. Why does magic not exist in the world which we live in? Why are there no time travelers, aliens, and espers? This world seems so dull, so boring, so plain in comparison. Is this why humanity makes these kind of movies? To provide an escape from the harsh realities of this world?

I dont know whether if its just the winter chill or if its the sheer weight of the banality of life pressing down on me, but these days i feel myself growing more and more numb. Lethargic. I can feel the fire of desire inside my heart burn a little less brighter with each sunrise, and my emotions and feelings become more and more fossilized as i grow increasingly impassive. These days, i've simply stopped caring. About anything.

In a way i guess that's a good thing. I've stopped having expectations for anything. And you know what they say - no expectations, no disappointments. The monotony of each day just blends into one another, until i lose all perception of time. The numbers on the calendar, the days of the week, the hands on the clock, none of them hold any meaning for me other than having an assignment due that day or having to go to work that day. I still have highs and lows. I still laugh till i can feel my stomach's about to burst. I still get angry to the point i want to stomp someones face in. There are still moments when i feel hopeful for the future, or upset over the state of my life. There are even moments where i feel proud of myself for what ive accomplished. But these moments never last. And when they disapppear, the lethargy, the impassiveness, is still there, having never left. It hangs thick in the gloom of my room like the mist that blankets the streets outside my window. It collects in the folds of my duvet, between the keys of my laptop, and in the corners of my heart. It is a constant drain on the vitality of my essence, slowly leeching away my desire and passion.

ROFL. Think i got a little bit carried away there. Ahhh that felt good. I haven't written anything remotely poetic or interesting in a long time. I can really feel my english degenerating. I should start reading again. Anyway if you're still reading, I hope you've gotten what you wanted out of this post, be it to kill some time or simply to have something to read. With this, i bid you farewell dear reader. May you stay safe and warm until next time. Adios.

New Zealand's very own Taylor Swift!

I can't stop listening to this song O_O

Got new anime from Wayne! TEEHEE!

Anime is making a revival in my life. I first picked it up at the end of highschool and watched intensively for the first year of uni. Then it was absent from my life for about 2 years, and now finally its back again. I've been somewhat reluctant to let it back into my life previously, not wanting to lose myself in that whimsical world again. But now, i can't wait to jump in to a new adventure. Let the good times begin!

The world is moving so rapidly

BAM, the Miami Heat have won the NBA championship with 4 straight wins.
BAM, my exams are over.
BAM, the semester is over.
Everything is changing so fast, it's hard for me to keep up.
It feels like i've only put my head down for just a second, and the next time i look up, my entire surrounding has changed. Relationships have changed. People have changed. I have changed.

Although i've always had a intense dislike for Lebron James, i'm truly happy for him. I think he deserved to win this championship. For all the shit that he gets, he's put up some amazing numbers this postseason. You gotta hand it to the guy, he's good. His journey to his first NBA championship title has been rather remarkable, and i can't help but feel inspired by his story. He is someone who has endured countless failures and setbacks. He's shouldered a lot of criticisms, hatred, and pressures from the public. Yet despite such a heavy burden, he has managed to claw his way back from a shattering defeat last year to clinch the title. His spirit, his will, and his tenacity in the face of such insurmountable odds is really something to be admired.

The Thunders loss and the Heats win has made me realise how fine the line between failure and success is. Its made me realise that failure doesn't necessarily mean you are completely inadequate, for Kevin Durant has put up just as good a performance. Failure doesn't make me a worse person. It doesn't mean I will fail at life. In fact, the bitter taste of failure will only make me stronger. At the end of the day (or season should i say), i think we can all take a leaf out of Lebrons book. I want to become someone like him. Someone who can come back from a defeat that might've destroyed a lesser man, and triumph over it through hard work and dedication. I believe that through strength of will, i will be able to succeed one day too, just like him. I have failed many times before, made many mistakes. But now i know it is possible to win. If i can overcome my flaws and persevere, i can become a champion one day too.

It has been a tough semester i have to say, maybe the toughest i've been through. I've fallen to the ground many times, but somehow i've managed to pick myself back up and pushed onwards. In a way, im glad that everything that has happened, has happened. It has shaped me into a stronger, more independent person. I know now, what i am capable of. The fear, the doubt, the uncertainty, its all still there. Its never going to go away. But i feel like i can embrace them a little more.

I look forward to the challenge that semester 2 will present. I look forward to studying harder, and getting even better grades. I look forward to fully realising my full potential. And i look forward to surviving, by myself. What they say is true: what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger.

Well isn't this is a pleasant surprise

6 followers now!

HI SUSANNA :p

Gonna beat them all!

Goes along to the theme song for Pokemon

I want to be the very best

Like no one ever was

I will overcome every test

And eliminate all my flaws

I will travel across the Tasman

Learning far and wide

By my own strength i shall stand

And rise like the tide

Gonna beat them all!

Its the world against me

I know this is my destiny

Only myself can i depend

In a world i can't comprehend

Gonna beat them all!

What my heart feels is true

My courage will pull me through

You will see, i will beat you
Gonna beat them all!

Every challenge along the way

With courage i will face

I will push myself everyday

Till i reach my rightful place

Rise up, the time is nigh

I shan't fall apart at the seams

Alone i shall win the fight

And realise my lifelong dream

Gonna beat you all.

My marks for assignments ive done over the semester

are slowly trickling in. And with each one, i feel a greater boost of confidence. Finally, i have something to show for all the hard work i've put into these pieces of work. Something tangible. Something concrete. Something to prove what i am made of, what i can achieve. No longer do i only have empty words of my 'potential'. Now i suddenly feel:

motivated
empowered
determined
rejuvenated
excited

Last exam left. I'm going to finish this semester with a bang. FIGHTING!

Winter

I still remember that post i made last winter. Can't believe it's been a year already. Winter used to be my least favourite season of the year. Its cold, its wet, and its dark. But chilling on my balcony today, i've finally realised its beauty. There is a deep, serene, melancholic beauty to winter that is not obvious at first glance. The lament of the sky, the carpet of fallen yellow leaves, the solemnity of a tree with its branches bare, the nakedness and rawness and grimness and loneliness of it all, is beautiful in its own way. Even the chill that seeps through the layers of my clothe is comforting in its own way.

Recently, i've watched an anime series called Koi Kaze, or Love Wind. Its about an incestuous relationship between two siblings who are 12 years in age difference. They were estranged from each at a young age due to their parents divorce, but met by accident a decade later. It was only later that they found out they were siblings, but the seeds of attraction were already sown. Despite its controversial topic, it is one of the sweetest and most genuine romance stories i have ever seen. The emotional struggles of both characters to come to terms with their own feelings and their internal battle with the morals society imposes on them makes it a very riveting and believable story. Watching this anime has made me realise the importance of boundaries. I know im an emotional person, but there are times when it is important to be rational, for the long term benefit of all parties involved. The old me would have rooted for them, believing that emotional fulfillment is of the utmost importance in life. But now ive realised, life is more complex than just that. It would be naive to think that being honest to my emotions is the only thing that matters. There are simply too many factors to consider. Its all good to think "fuck societal norms and lets just be happy", but the long term implications of such a relationship just makes it too unpractical. Sometimes, we just have to know our boundaries, know our place. Ha, now im starting to sound like someone i know.

Anyways, here's the intro song to the anime. Listen to it, its amazing. And if you ever get the chance, watch the anime, you won't regret it. But if you're just looking for a cheap thrill, then this probably aint for you.

While I love what i am studying...

...there are moments where i doubt the practicality of my degree. Sometimes i feel like i've made the wrong choice in life, and that i would've been better off doing a more standard degree, like engineering. Insinuations of doubt slither and worm their way into my mind, like "where am i going with this degree?" and "is my profession inferior to others" and "will i be able to get a good job". But today i just realised, i will play a very important role in this world. We (people of my profession) are doctors. Doctors for ecosystems. We identify and diagnose environmental problems, and we offer solutions to cure it. We are people who can save the environment. Medical graduates will save lives. We will save the world.

Hey its 4 in the morning
And this is crazy
But i'm ravaged by hunger
And haven't done any study

My tenant's cat and I have the BEST conversations

A typical conversation between her and I:

*Me chilling at my window*
*Tenants cat paddles across the driveway*

Me: MEOW! meow meow meowww meow?
She pauses, looks up at me: Dude i have no idea what the fuck you just said.
Me: meow meow meow meoww :3
Her: You're an idiot.
*rolls eyes and walks off*
Her black friend: You know that guy?
Her: Nope.
Me: meow...

The best procrastination/study break website ever

http://cuteoverload.com/

DO NOT READ THIS POST

If you have not seen the finale of HIMYM season 7.

Warning: contains spoilers.

Sorry, but i really need to write about this.

Im still in shock, even though i knew who the bride was going to be.

So don't read this if you want to find out the answer for yourself.

Last chance to look away.

Better yet, go watch season 7 now.

Okay.

Don't say i didn't warn you.


WOW, what a finale. FINALLY some answers.....that only raises more questions than it solves, but that's besides the point. Two bombs dropped in the last episode that can be ranked a "10" on the crisis rating, and can have some serious implications.

1. Robin is revealed to be the bride at Barney's wedding. Which means that Barney's engagement to Quinn flopped. And that Robin and Ted probably won't end up together (yes im still rooting for those two). Its a shame really, i thought Barney and Quinn looked good together. They really suited each other.

2. Ted elopes with Victoria. Which means Clause gets left at the altar, and that Victoria could potentially be the mom. Personally, i don't think Victoria is the mom, for numerous reasons that i won't bother to go into details here. But it'd be a sweet notion if she was, seeing as Victoria was Ted's first girlfriend since the show started.

I seriously don't know what to think of this episode. The whole Barney-Robin-Quinn arc i could somewhat foresee, and my suspicions were confirmed at the point just before they showed Robin's face in the wedding dress (yes i recognised her boobs). But Ted and Victoria. Wow. That came as a shock to me. I can understand the rationale behind Ted choosing to elope with Victoria, as he is finally overcoming his fears and taking hold of fate and creating his own destiny by securing what he wants, but that's pretty selfish. He is partially responsible for another man being left at the altar, a feeling which he can empathise with and therefore he really should have shown better judgement. Although i am a romantic and he probably felt like she was truly the one and that if he let her go he'd probably regret it for the rest of his life but the reality is that things probably won't work out and he'll break her heart, again. Especially given everything thats happened on the show, personally i think its highly unlikely that she is the mother.

So yea, i'd just like to take this opportunity to say: WTF IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?? Why are they all so fickle?? They keep changing their minds about each other, and everyone seems to be going in circles. Ted, Robin, Barney. The 3 of them just need to make up their fucking minds and stick with it. It feels like even Robin and Barney are still not set in stone, given the history of the show and an uncanny tendency of brides to get cold feet on their wedding day. I think Robin was right. Ted is only single because of his own making. What used to seem like romantic idealism to me is now just cowardice, naivety, fickleness, and insecurity. Ted just needs to man the fuck up and stick with one girl. Or risk dying alone.

Overall i think season 7 has been as good as any other season. It got off to a slow start but its really picked up in quality in the second half. I really like the character development of Barney and how much depth he's shown this season. I also like the addition of Quinn. I think she is one of the better female support characters. In terms of comedic entertainment, i still find alot of the episodes funny, and found myself laughing out loud on more than one occasion. What the show HAS lost in humour, i think its made up for it in depth and sentiment. Only things that kinda annoyed me were the sudden and somewhat unrealistic plot twists, but i guess that's what makes these shows so addictive. So yea, this post has somehow turned into a review and i probably lost all of my readers at the title (lol nice one bobby but you dont have any readers). But seriously, i think i haven't lost faith in HIMYM quite yet, and its still one of my all time favourite shows, alongside Community.

So yep, that's gonna be my closing statement. Bobby out.

The stars are beautiful tonight!

Its been a while since i've seen the stars and the moon shine so bright. Man, i really miss 2011. Despite everything that happened in that year, it was my favourite year. I think i was happiest then. I  really miss those days, when everyone was together. Just one big happy family you know? Although it was brief, i really felt like i was a part of something. I felt like i truly found a group that i belonged to. It just felt so nice you know? Everyone was happy and everything felt so innocent and comfortable. I wish it could've lasted forever. I wish things didn't change. I wish people didn't drift apart. I wish break-ups were only something you saw in movies and conflicts were something that could be resolved simply by saying im sorry. Why did things have to change? Why did people have to break up? Why couldn't we resolve our differences? Why did i have to fuck things up? Why did we all drift apart, instead of becoming even more like family? Sigh, i wish things could go back to the way they were. I wish there wasn't this chasm that divided all of us. I wish things didn't have to change. Maybe im the only one that feels this way, but i really miss those times.

lol my tenants cat has finally warmed up to me

after about 6 months of avoiding me and being scared of me, i think she's finally accepted me. although she still seems to hold some reservations for me, we've found mutual comfort in each others presence. as i type this now, she's grooming herself right beside me. i think i can count that as a vote of confidence hehe. she's let me pet her before on one or two occasions, but this is the first time shes seemed so comfortable around me. i think she likes the scent of tobacco, cause my tenant smokes and she keeps smelling my fingers. or maybe shes finally succumbed to my alluring charm. whatever the reason, im just happy ive made a new friend.

the weathers amazing today. its a good day to be sitting outside on my front doorstep just enjoying the sun and the quiet company of this shy but cute feline. life is pretty hard, but right now, im just happy to enjoy the warmth and serenity of this moment. i think whatever happens, everything is going to work out in the end somehow. maybe it won't be the way i envisaged it to be, but it'll be the way its meant to be. yes i stole that line from online, but i really believe in it.

lol, 2000 word assignments seem like nothing these days

im feeling a little down today. maybe its because i fucked up in bball trials today and might not make the team. or maybe its cause im running out of time to finish my assignments and study for my exams. i dont know.

but whatever. cause hey life aint fair, 3 in the if you just dont care. just gotta pick myself back up and keep on trucking.

zzz i have ZERO self control...

I am so weak minded! I used to watch movies and see some 'good' guys succumb to evil and get their minds corrupted because they were weak-minded souls and only the strong will and pure heart of the main protagonist managed to overcome the corruption and id think that if i was one of the characters in the movies, i'd never get corrupted cause i was so strong. well its all bullshit. i'd probably be one of the first insignificant characters to become a pawn of evil. cause i simply have ZERO self control. even now, as i type this post, i am procrastinating so i wouldn't have to study. asdkghhaslkejgfsd what the fuck is wrong with me. the next 3 weeks will be one of the most critical moments of my life and if i do not prevail all my hard work this semester will go down the drain. i need to finish my assignments. i need to study for my exams. i need to succeed, so that i can make something of my damn pathetic existence and know that i did not live in vain.

sigh. fuck this, im gonna go study.

or am i.....

Community

Just finished the third season of community today. I love what the show has developed into. While it still has managed to retain its funny elements, community has gained so much depth and substance this season. I feel like i am good friends with every one of the characters. Their antics, their flaws, i find it all so endearing. I know its just a show, but the gestures of friendship, compassion, kindness, and forgiveness really warms the heart. The main cast really gives off a sense of unity, a sense of community, and you get the feeling that no matter what happens, they will be able to weather it because they have each other to lean on. Sure, each episode is pretty formulaic, but somehow it never gets old. Even though you know the problem will always be resolved at the end, you still feel a sense of relief when it does. And you will always be left smiling at the end of every episode. I think that's what having real friends is about. No matter what happens, at the end of the day, you'll be left smiling.

Interesting times ahead. EXCITE!!!

Write one paragrah, relax for a whole hour.

This should be a meme! People who do assignments will know what i mean.

At least it was here

Give me your hands
Show me the door
I cannot stand
To wait anymore
Somebody said
Be what you'll be
We could be old and cold and dead on the sea
But I love you more than the words can say
I can't count the reasons I should stay

Give me some rope
Tie me to dream
Give me the hope
To run out of steam
Somebody said
It can be here
We could be roped up, tied up
Dead in a year
I can't count the reasons I should stay
One by one they all just fade away

I'm tired of the wait and see's
I'm tired of that part of me
That makes up a perfect lie
To keep us between
But hours turn into days
So watch what you throw away
And be here to recognize
There's another way

Give me some rope
Tie me to dream
Give me the hope
To run out of steam
Somebody said
It could be here
We could be roped up, tied up
Dead in a year
Oh I love you more the words can say
I can't count the reasons I should stay
One by one they all just fade away
But I love you more than words can say

im okay with being by myself

even though most of the time i despise rainy days, they do have a certain charm to them. it makes the world seem poignant, sentimental, grim. its as if the world is saying: "life is hard, but that's okay." when i take the bus home on a rainy night, it gives me that you-against-the-world feeling, a lone soul standing tall against the turmoils and hardships of reality with grim determination. lol, that's how i feel on a rainy day anyways.

I've given this some thought, and i think i don't actually mind dying alone. not many people on this world are fortunate enough to die surrounded by their loved ones, so its really no big deal. i mean, you're going to be dead anyways, so you can't even feel sadness or regret.

people want to better themselves for different reasons. some want to better themselves for someone else, but i don't need a girl to make me want to change myself. i just want to better myself, for myself. Ive accepted the fact that i can't be good at everything in life. i will be good at a few things, and really shit at many others, and that's okay with me. i think its wiser for me to concentrate my time on improving the things that im already good at, the things that are important to me, and just give up on some other pursuits.

i often think back to the things that used to worry me and agitate me in my high school days, and they really seem petty now that im older. i guess i will look back one day on my days at uni, and the things that seem to bother me now will seem trivial. Ive been trying so hard to fight change, and being scared of it, when what i really need to do is understand it is a natural part of life. i acknowledge that some of these changes have been a result of my own foolish actions, but some things are just beyond my control. we all have our own lives, and people do drift apart. sometimes due to the different paths that we choose, and sometimes due to irreconcilable differences.

whatever life throws at me, i will take it all in stride. i may choose to fight it, but there really is no point being upset about it. because in the end, its just life.