So these days, im always alone

yet im never lonely.

I always seem to run into people i know, and end up having unexpected but pleasant conversations. It's really nice, living this way. Not constantly being surrounded by one's friends gives one the freedom and peace to enjoy the quiet retreat of one's own company.

So today, i enjoyed the bittersweet experience of eating dinner and studying by myself at BK. I sat at a quiet booth for two, facing the massive TV screen. I had my readings in one hand and a small drink with unlimited refills in the other. Occasionally people would walk by, and I'd do my best to ignore them. But there was a particularly affectionate couple sitting across the aisle from me, and i began to feel a little uncomfortable. I started to wonder, how did i look in their eyes?

In my own minds eye, i was a strong, independent man who was dedicated to the pursuit and fulfillment of his dream. But i couldn't help but feel i may have been just a tad bit biased in having thought that. Just a tad.

How did they see me? Did they see a loner? A misanthropist? Did they see a creep? Or perhaps they saw a nerd? A geek? Or maybe, they saw the next 'Batman', ifyouknowwhatimean. It didn't really occur to me till then, how i may have appeared to passerbys. I realised at that point that i had become one of those people who go to restaurants by themselves, sit in corners, and be occasionally seen smiling for no apparent reason or just muttering to themselves.

LOL i kid, i kid.

In all honesty, I didn't know whether to be happy or sad. It was a huge improvement for me, given that only a few years ago i couldn't bear the thought of even walking into a fast food joint without being accompanied by someone else. Nowdays, i can sit there by myself for hours. Plus, its not like im just sitting there, im actually studying, so i have a legitimate reason to be there, right? RIGHT?

But then i thought about the pangs of sympathy i felt when i saw those people sitting by themselves in McDonalds or Wendys, and then i didn't feel so optimistic.

But that's okay. No pain no gain right? Im kinda glad im doing this. It's about time i start putting in the hard yards. I've been getting by all my life relying on my good memory and small wits, without ever having really put in a lot of effort into what i do. I feel that if i am ever going to change, this year is as good as any to. I don't know how long this motivation will last, but the fire of desire is burning inside me once again. 每个人要是想用有动力，就必须有奋斗的目标。我找到了我可为奋斗的目标。省下的就要看我怎么去实现它了。