Even though there was no guarantee that i would get the job, I felt really disappointed. I guess im upset about the wasted opportunity, and angry at myself. Now once again, i feel the wave of past regrets surging up to drown me. I find myself getting lost in a sea of what-ifs and what-could've-beens, slowly sinking into the darkness of its bottomless depth. (Lol, why am i even using an extended metaphor about water? The studentship was about fucking soils!) Such doubts and regrets are just the lastest in my growing disillusionment and resentment of tertiary education institutions. IT'S ALL FUCKING LIES!!!
Anyways, its really easy to lose myself in such insecurities, i guess its something that plagues everyone to some extent. I need to stop worrying about the future or tormenting myself over the past, and just focus on the present. If i work hard enough, if i try enough times, if i am truly worthy, i believe i will find the right
Don't worry, you're not the only one going through a difficult time. One thing I have found really helpful is to see things in a more objective way, so no matter what happens, it's neither "good" or "bad", it's just "different". When I stuff up badly in performance (which is often, btw), it's easy to wallow in shame and self scrutiny: "You played bad because you're lazy and stupid and untalented. Now everyone hates you and won't talk to you." Or I could think, "Well that was unexpected, now I know what to work on next time." You actually don't realise what a hard time you're giving yourself, until you just let it go. :)
ReplyDeleteHaha that's a very good way of looking at it. Yea i do need to stop beating myself up over every little thing, but sometimes i just don't learn! So i have to really give myself a hard time so i won't make the same mistake twice~
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