From today onwards, i will change the man in the mirror. Starting from the small things, like sleeping early and waking up early, i will slowly work my way up. I will change myself, my lifestyle, my future. I hereby promise myself, i will find my way out of this darkness, until the light of happiness can once again be felt upon my face.
I could never remember the next morning whether familiar people in my dreams actually talked out loud, or if the words were mutely inserted into my mind, like reading subtitles. And even if they did speak, was it narrated through my own voice, or were their words projected through my perception of their unique voices?
I finally found the answer today. While dreams normally fade very quickly upon my waking, this mornings dream was still vivid within my mind. Like a movie being played inside my head, the stark images of every person's face was imprinted onto the frontal lobes of my brain. Usually when this happens, it is like watching a movie on mute. You see the situation unfolding, and the characters mouth moving, but no sounds come out. However today was different. The familiar high pitched whine of the recurring female lead was distinctly hers, her exasperated words still reverberating within my mind. I could also hear my own pleading voice projecting from the camera in reply (the dream was in first person). Even the occasional line chimed in by the supporting cast was spoken in their own individual voices.
My dreams have taken on a new level of surrealism. The line between this fantasy realm and reality is beginning to blur. The facial features, the mannerisms, the voices, it all just seems so complete. Maybe that is why i love to sleep so much. So i can dream.
After a whole week of sun, sand and sea, my life is back to normal. Escaping this city life was a truly blissful experience, and i wish i could have stayed at that paradise for a little longer. Walking along the deserted beach with nothing but the sand beneath your feet, the sky above your head, the boundless Pacific ocean to your left, and the gently rolling hills to your right, all your troubles just melt away. The white washed shores, the untamed ocean waves, the carefree clouds, it was all so amazing. There are no words to describe the feeling of seeing just a single trail of footprints leading from you into the horizon. You know how in the ending of Shakespeare in Love, you see a lone girl walking into the distance along a deserted beach? Well that's what it felt like.
And as soon as i return to auckland, all my anxieties resurface. My troubles, like the polluted air, hangs thick within my chest, weighing it down. The pressures of city life once again agitates my mind - love, career, and health. Isn't these 3 issues the root of all our problems? Finding the perfect girl, finding the perfect job, finding the perfect body image - our constant desire and need to achieve what society has deemed the vital components to "true happiness".
There were no girls at that bach, nor toned bodies on that beach, or well paid jobs in that sea. Just a bunch of bros, imperfect awkward bodies and a whole colony of scallops. Yet i was happy. So happy. Sitting down to a delicious meal with my friends that we caught and cooked with our own hands, there is no feeling better than that. I truly felt i was a part of something.
Even if it all turns to shit now and my life goes downhill from here, i will always think back to that deserted beach and the lone figure walking along the sand, trailed by a single set of footprints that disappeared into the distance, and i will feel alright. In the face of such majestic natural beauty, all my petty troubles seem...well... petty.
Im worried that i wont be able to pass this exam.
Im worried that my parents are going to be disappointed by me.
Im worried that i wont be able to find a part time job this summer.
Im worried that i wont be able to find a full time job in my field once i graduate.
Im worried that the woman i marry wont be the woman i love.
Im worried that i wont be able to do all the things that i wanted to do.
Im worried that im not a good role model for my brother.
Im worried that ill always be two steps behind everyone else.
Im worried that ill miss out on opportunity after opportunity.
Im worried that im not living my life the way i could be.
I wish i had an unlimited supply of NZT (the drug used to enhance brain fucntion in Limitless).
Right now i have zero motivation and my brain isn't even working. All i want to do is sleep. My eyes have the dull glazed look of someone whos given up all hope on life.
I think my life is getting pretty close to the point where i hit rock bottom. Man, if only NZT existed, or something equivalent. Something that'll get me out of this slump, and turn my life around.
Imagine what it would be like, to be able to unlock our hidden potential. Where would our lives be right now, had we the ability to function at our full capacity? What would we be able to achieve? What are the places we could go to? What kind of person could we become? The possibilities are endless.
The movie Limitless starring Bradley Cooper revolves around the idea that the average human brain only functions at 10-20% of its full capacity, and that it is possible to chemically induce the brain to function at 100% capacity through a drug. As a result, the main protagonist became induced in a mentally enhanced state where he experienced a marked increase in the sensitivity of his perception, an enhancement of his ability to learn, dramatically improved memory, clearer and faster thought processes, and a general increase in intelligence. From this he was able to rejuvenate his life and career, rising to the top of the food chain from the lowest echelons of society in a matter of months. He was able to learn new languages in a matter of days, seduce any women he wants, and manipulate people as if they were puppets with strings attached to his fingers.
But, what this movie was not trying to say was, how amazing life would be if we had such a drug at our disposal. Rather, it implies that each and every one of us have hidden potential, and that the ability to unlock this does not lie within a chemical concoction, but within ourselves. If we exploited our intelligence, our abilities, our capabilities to the full so that we grasp every opportunity, making full use of every second of our lives, then the possibilities are limitless.
This is one of the rarest flowers in the world, with only 2 known examples in existence. One is located in Britain, and another is found here in New Zealand, in a garden in Waitangi.
Isn't it pretty? I wonder what it would be like, to look upon its fragile form and inhale its sweet scent, knowing that its beauty is almost one of a kind in this world?
I really feel like i should express some sentiments, or i wouldn't be doing justice to my three years at university.
When time flies, it means you've been having a good time. Despite all my hopes, aspirations and expectations for university life, it has passed by in the blink of an eye, and i have to say its been a helluva ride. University is like dark chocolate. It is a bittersweet experience that you savour every moment of, the aftertaste of which still lingers long after the experience.
These past three years have really been fun. I have met so many wonderful new people who are now an important part of my life, and strengthened my relationships with friends i already have. I have experienced so many types of cuisine, social activity, and narcotic substances. I have expanded my knowledge of the world, and elevated my perception and way of thinking to a new and mature height. Oh, and i got a degree. But that's not really important.
Many say that these years will be the best years of our lives. But i believe that the best years of my life are still ahead of me. I only have the slightest inkling of what my future holds for me, but i am excited at the prospect of a new era in my life. Even if i return to university to continue with postgraduate study, things will be different. I will no longer be an undergraduate, and my responsibilities will have shifted.
Of course i cannot say that these three years have been without regret. Despite all that i have experienced, i have come no where near to living university life to the fullest. I now wish that i had studied harder, attended more lectures, and interacted with my classmates and lecturers more. I wish that i had participated in more university activities and social clubs, and attended more social events. I also wish that i had found a part time job while i was studying.
But nonetheless, these past three years have been very endearing to me. Everything that i have done, and not done; all the laughter, smiles, sweat, and tears, have culminated in an unique experience that i can call my own. Looking back, i would have done things differently, but i wouldn't trade my three years here with anyone else'. I am greatly saddened that these three years have come to an end, but the future is too alluring to ponder the past for too long.
To all my friends who are also graduating this year, I sincerely wish you the best of luck for the future. Whatever decision you have made about your future, please think over it wisely, and know that i will always support you, and be there in times of need.
Just remember, there is no one right way to life your life, so just choose the path that will offer you the greatest amount of happiness.
Ill probably end up being retarded rabbit guy. This is supposed to be my brothers pet, and already im growing attached to it. Its just so damn cute.
Honestly, why is it that when people talk to cute animals or babies, they instantaneously revert to using a retarded tone and start acting all silly? Why cant we just talk to them normally? Its not like they can understand us any better by talking like a retard. Not even babies talk like that. I'm so glad no girl is here to see me talk to my rabbit, or id charm the pants right onto them.
Like Jack Sparrow. Then i could sail the seven seas and find treasures and command a crew and look into a telescope and steer a ship and not have to worry about studying or finding a respectable well paying job or feeling the need to live up to societys expectations.
Instead id be a badass motherfucking renegade that drinks rum from the bottle, woo mermaids/whores/manatees, and have a pet parrot. Id get to fight with cutlasses, shoot people with muskets, and make mutineers walk on a plank placed conveniently above a school of hungry sharks.
And best of all, id get to talk cool.
I'm sure that if I study hard now, I can still get good grades this semester.
I'm sure if I look hard now, I can still find a job, whether it be part time work over the summer, or a permanent position with a salary.
I'm sure if I work hard now, I can regain my fitness, build up my strength, and become healthy again.
I'm sure I can still find the courage within me to propel myself into society, whether it be to work, to live alone, or to socialise and meet new people.
I'm sure if I set my mind to it, things will work out. I will find a good stable job, the right girl, and the respect and approval from my parents which I so desperately crave. I will be able to develop the skills that will allow me to live a successful, happy life.
I just need to believe in myself. I need to motivate myself. Discipline myself. Control myself.
I need to stop playing Starcraft. I need to stop being disillusioned with society. It is a big, ruthless, and fiercely competitive world out there. If I cannot offer the skills and experiences a company looks for, they will mercilessly reject me. Its every man for himself, and money doesnt grow on trees. My parents won't protect me forever. I need to pull my life together.
In the years ahead, I will probably get hurt, get rejected, get embarrassed, get discriminated against, get robbed, get beaten down.
I will cry, I will sweat, I will bleed, and I might even die.
But if everyone else can make it through, so can I.
They just appear strange because they're out of context.
If people could read my mind and see all the logical steps i took to come to that conclusion, they would realise how much sense it actually makes.
Its because my mind jumps two steps instead of one, and i fail to realise that people cannot make the connection because they can only take one step.
Alot of people have wondered what Judge Judy wears under her robe.
Its not weird at all.
Owell, i guess thats just something ill have to learn to deal with.
People misunderstanding me that is, not what Judge Judy wears under her robe.
Thats her business.
oh and soz amy about the crack at lynfield, it was pretty uncalled for, and not the least bit funny.
Sometimes, perfection is not what we're looking for.
Isn't being flawless a flaw in itself?
I wish they would make an MV for this.
The Way I Loved You
He is sensible and so incredible
And all my single friends are jealous
He says everything I need to hear and it's like
I couldn't ask for anything better
He opens up my door and I get into his car
And he says, you look beautiful tonight
And I feel perfectly fine
But I've been screamin' and fightin'
And kissin' in the rain
And it's two a.m. and I'm cursin' your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and comin' undone
It's a roller-coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you
He respects my space and never makes me wait
And he calls exactly when he says he will
He's close to my mother
Talks business with my father
He's charming and endearing, and I'm comfortable
But I've been screamin' and fightin'
And kissin' in the rain
And it's two a.m. and I'm cursin' your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and comin' undone
It's a roller-coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you
He can't see the smile I'm fakin'
And my heart's not breakin'
'Cause I'm not feelin' anything at all
And you were wild and crazy
Just so frustrating, intoxicating, complicated
Got away by some mistake and now
I'll be screamin' and fightin'
And kissin' in the rain
It's two a.m. and I'm cursin' your name
I'm so in love that I acted insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and comin' undone
It's a roller-coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you
And that's the way I loved you
I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you
Its 2500 words and i have 17 hours before its due. I've pulled through every time in the past 14 years of education (not counting kindergarten), through countless assignments and projects. I wonder if i can pull it off, one last time. Here goes nothing.
Whenever i finish watching a Japanese animated movie, im left sitting there in a state of peaceful happiness, yet feeling strangely melancholic. Its seems that the endings of Japanese animated movies are never quite satisfying. They always leave me with a bittersweet sensation and a yearning for something more, whether it be the ability to be transported into that magical dimension, or simply for the main characters to live happily ever after. Upon finishing "The Girl Who Leapt Through Time", i am left scouring the internet forums for some sort of closure once again.
The movie addresses the age old issue of time travel, of humanities desire to master the fourth dimension in order to undo past mistakes, to relive a happy memory, or to simply prolong our stay in the material world. It is a concept that each and every one of us have thought about at some point in time. This is because every one of us have felt the pangs of regret at some point in our lives, whether it be just before an examination, or right after a break up. We have all felt regret, if not remorse. This stems from our imperfection, and our subsequent and unavoidable capacity for making mistakes. As a result, we wish for the chance to undo our mistakes, to take a different course of action. And the only way we feel we can achieve this is to travel back in time.
What "The Girl Who Leapt Through Time" teaches us is not the joys and wonders of the ability to travel back in time, but rather the consequences of manipulating time. Ironically, the protagonist ends up in a worse situation than before she gained the ability to skip through our time stream, and as a result tries to undo all her mistakes by traveling to the time frame at the beginning of the movie. Yet despite this, the damage had been done, and she inadvertently lost the boy that she loved.
But life goes on. Time can be unforgiving, but it can also be kind. Over time and with the help of those around her, her wounds will heal. She will continue to live normally, and one day she will meet another boy, and she will fall in love again. Such is the virtue of time.
What this movie has taught me is, even if we had mastery over time travel, we cannot find true happiness by altering the past. No one should be given the power to manipulate time, it would completely disrupt the fragile balance of this world, not to mention fuck with my mind. Yet at the same time, we are all truly masters of time. We have complete control over what we do with our own time. And although we cannot undo the past, we can learn from it so that we can better our future, and if we're lucky, we just might be able to find true happiness one day.
There's really no point wallowing in the misery of regret. The milk has already been spilt. Instead, harness that regret and forge it into action - action that will change the outcome of our future. So if you really think about it, we are all time travellers. We can delve into the past through our memories, analyse the situation, and change the future accordingly. I guess what im trying to say is, there really is no single right way to live your life. Whats important is that you follow your hearts desire, and take actions that will produce outcomes with the greatest amounts of happiness.
I shall conclude this post with a quote from the movie:
its 2:37am. i wish i could just fall asleep in an instant, but instead im kept awake by this constant coughing and general discomfort. i really hate being sick. its almost ironic, getting sick from going to the gym. i thought exercise was meant to be good for you.
i dont know what it is about the depth of night, but whenever it gets to around this hour, i seem to feel lonely. im largely oblivious to loneliness during the day, but at night, it seems to creep up on me. it seeps from the corners of my room and hangs thick in the air, making it hard to breathe. its around these times that i really wish i had someone to talk to - someone who is also alone, awake, and afraid of the silence.
i really envy those who do have someone. i really do. someone to keep the loneliness at bay. someone to offer a warm word, a strong shoulder. or simply someone who can lull you to sleep with the steady rhythm of their breathing.
those people that do have someone like that, are very lucky. therefore, what really puzzles me is why some people choose to push away their special someone, the person that cares, and instead choose to embrace the misery of loneliness. if it were up to me, id spend every waking moment with them. id hold on to them, and never let go. ive had 20 years of personal space, and frankly, im sick of it.
sure, i do love my own company. im thankful for the personalities that i have, and i love how well i get along with myself. i guess i should at least be thankful for that. but nothing quite compares to the warmth of another's soul. the softness of another's body. or the gentleness of another's touch. what my mind cannot fathom is, why would someone choose to thrive in loneliness and misery, when they have someone that cares about them.
this has nothing to do with emotional or mental strength. it is normal to desire the company of another living organism that is similar to yourself. it is the natural order of this world.
It's a saturday night
Im looking for something productive to do
Hey house
I think Im gonna clean you
Is it the plethora of flies
Or is it the dried orange juice?
Who cares really
I think Im gonna clean you
Well, Im an able bodied chap
And i hate coming back to a dirty home
So I wipe the toilet bowl
Put in a new roll
Empty out the cigarette ash
Got a bucket full of trash that needs to go
Sink of dishes n bowls
Youre in peril
The dust mites say no, no, no, no, no
The laundry say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
And they've all got to go, go, go, go, go
A man that can do chores, is pretty sexy
'Cause it's a saturday night
Im looking for something productive to do
Hey house
I think Im gonna clean you
I've never really been a TV series person, but god do i love Community. It has got to be the quirkiest, funniest, most entertaining, yet surprisingly heart warming show ever. In a community college full of weird, socially awkward people, i feel like i can fit right in.
You know, I use to really despise being called socially awkward, i thought it was some sort of shameful personality flaw, that somehow, it made me a lesser person. Well, now i openly embrace my awkwardness. It is a part of who i am, and it is something i can never change because i will always be me. The way i talk, the way i think, is what defines the person i am. If being socially accepted means feeling ashamed of the person i am, then fuck social convention, fuck the social norm. Im not going to let society's perception of how i should behave, dictate how i conduct myself. Because you know what? Society's pretty awkward itself. And its dysfunctional, its discriminatory, and its depraved. It is simply an amalgamation of selfish, socially dysfunctional human beings trying their best to coexist with one another.
What makes the show so amazing is that each and every character is socially inept on some level. And watching their honest, entertaining, and sometimes painful attempts to communicate and connect with one another really speaks to my heart. Each and every one of us have communication problems on some level. Even the confident, narcissistic playboy who knows how to chat up women, has problems interacting honestly with the people around him. No one wants to watch a show where every character just behaves in a socially acceptable way. Thats fucking boring.
I am proud of who i am, and if someone were to look down on me because they behave in a socially more acceptable way, then it begs the question, does that make them more of a person, or less?
Today, i embarked on a safari down memory lane. As i watched The Lion King, i was a five year old boy again, absorbed into the beautiful world of Africa and the magic of talking animals. Everything was so fresh, so new, yet so familiar at the same time. I thoroughly loved every second of it. I think ive finally been able to understand the movie on a whole new level. I actually understood the entire plot, and Scars sarcasm. Its amazing how much wit there is hidden behind such a simple children's tale. I dont recall ever laughing this hard watching it before, but then again, i think half the time i was simply laughing out of nostalgia. Just hearing Timone speak for the first time again triggered so much emotions within me, and i just couldnt help but crack up. Honestly, what a beautifully made movie. The rich setting, the colourful characters, the witty dialogue, the amazing music, and the beautiful messages of responsibility, love and friendship just simply warms the heart. This movie will always deserve a special place within my heart, and i hope to watch it on the big screens again in 10, 15 years time with my children, and they'll enjoy it just as much as i know i will.
little boys are so cute and fat
oh how I wish I was cute like that
sometimes I just like to stare at them all day
sometimes it helps me keep my troubles away
if only I was a little boy
then I could have another little boy as my toy
and now I think I must be frank
I really need to go and wank
Tuesday, 27 September 2011
Today, i finally canceled my monthly donation of $15 to the Red Cross after more than two years of continued support. I used to have so much faith in the world. I believed that i could honestly make a difference, no matter how small the amount. I believed that all the good things i did, will amount to something, and that even if people did not appreciate it, the universe would.
But as i wake up each morning, facing yet another day in this life, a little bit of that faith dies. Everyday, i grow a little more indifferent, a little more selfish, smothered by the banality of life. I used to think that humans are intrinsically good, but some turn evil due to their nurture. Now i find myself believing more and more that humans are intrinsically evil, and it is only the fear of retribution that keeps us from committing harm. We are all selfish, we are all animals, and our civilization is nothing but an illusion. Its amazing how easily we revert to our animalistic instincts and discard all allusions of grandeur and sophistication. We are worse than animals. At least they dont kill their own species out of sheer pleasure.
I find myself losing hope in the humanity within all of us, within myself, in the face of all that goes on around me. Everyday i contemplate my purpose here in life, and each day, i resign myself a little more to a banal life where i will eat, shit, work, fuck and sleep while awaiting my eventual death. Where i live for the sake of staying alive. I want to break free of this world. Run away, to a far distant planet, where magic still exists and people still care about each other. I really want to.
Im running out of time. Soon, ill even stop caring about that.
a wise man once told me, some people are physically short, but mentally tall, while others are physically tall, but mentally short. since my teenage years, my height has been one of my greatest insecurities. i constantly look at other men and try to size them up, gauging their height, wishing that i was just a few centimetres taller. such insecurities are like a disease, slowly rotting my mind and self-esteem.
now ive realised, i am my own greatest critic. it is not that i am physically small, but rather small-minded. our society is discriminatory towards height, yet half the population falls below the average height. this means that short people are actively participating in height discrimination themselves, yet we complain that society is prejudiced towards shorter people. we have victimized ourselves, fallen on our own swords. the root of the problem does not lie with society, for everything is relative - 50% of the population will always be below the average height, it is statistically dictated. the problem is within ourselves.
how can i hope to appeal to others, to demand respect and admiration, when i do not respect nor believe in myself? it is not how i look that will determine anothers judgement of me, but rather who i am, and what i do. i think it is time to cast away these old shackles that have been holding me back all these years, and raise myself to my true height.
simon smells
like bad bowels
he is homosexual
but call him special
or he will get hurt
and he will act curt
without explanation
not changing his expression
even if you tell a funny joke
he will sit there and sulk
at a desk on a computer
or sob quietly into his shower
he wants to eat
but the scales he must beat
money is his greatest enemy
he wont look twice at a penny
he wants to be a billionaire
but sadly life is unfair
he is easily distracted
assignments become protracted
even though they're easy
cause arts is just breezy
he loves to play basketball
but he drew the short straw
when he decided on a spree
to have a fight with a tree
and subsequently lost
and boy did it cost
but he has learnt his lesson
now he knows the reason
for his very existence
in this blog in this sentence
is because he is gay
and its his birthday.
i love you bro. no homo.
and have an awesome day today.
i do not know the meaning of success,
for i have never tasted its fruit.
but i am all too familiar
with the bitter relish of failure,
and all its inconvenient truth.
i do not know the meaning of love,
for i have never felt its caress.
but i am no stranger to
the icy embrace of winter blues,
and its lonely notes of distress.
i do not know the meaning of happiness,
for i have never seen its radiance.
but ive grown accustomed with
my tears' solitary kiss,
as they renounce their allegiance.
i do not know the meaning of friendship,
for i have never heard its laughter.
but ive long become acquainted
to the smiles painted
on faces in this life and the hereafter.
i do not know the meaning of hope,
for i have never inhaled its aroma.
but im a seasoned veteran
when it comes to its sullen brethren,
who suffocates me with its invisible aura.
however i do know the meaning of defeat
rejection, sadness, despair and hate.
for they have accompanied me
from the very beginning,
until the day my life doth fade.
eyes tightly shut.
face contorted in emotion.
chest heaving.
hands held up in supplication.
vocal cords straining.
completely lost in oblivion.
that is the way i like to sing.
man havnt been to karaoke in a long time. it felt amazing to be able to shout and scream. its been a shitty few weeks, and being able to sing my heart out has really given me the outlet i needed for all the pent up negative emotions within me. now i feel drained, but my heart seems a little bit lighter.
There is love, big love, and then theres great love.
"Love you get over in two months.
Big love you get over in two years.
And great love, well great love...it changes your life."
Today i watched "Win a Date with Tad Hamilton" again, the first time since when i first saw it in the cinemas back in 2004. I seem to have forgotten how sweet the movie actually was. Back then, i was just a tiny 3rd former. I had seen it with Susan, my childhood friend who was about to move to Australia. She was my first friend in New Zealand, and we really had a special kind of friendship. Our friendship was purely platonic, she was like a sister to me. We played together countless times growing up, yet this movie was only the second movie we ever saw together, and it was to be our last. After the movie, we went to a family friends house where a farewell party was being held for her and her parents. At the time, i was obsessed with some other girl. All i could do was go on about how she was my "Tad Hamilton" that night. Yet as i left the house knowing that i wouldnt see Susan again, a little part of me seemed to have been left behind. I know this sounds very cliched. You see in movies all the time where the main character looks forlornly into the night sky and whispers "a little part of me died that night". Well, its true. There was a physical sensation within my chest that a part of me was no longer there.The only way i can describe it to you so that you may understand is that it felt as if a part of my chest was physically removed. There was a sensation of absence with the cavity of my chest. It felt empty. An inexplicable feeling of sadness seemed to just wash over me. It smothered me. I realised that Susan was more than just a friend to me. She was something else. I guess that's why they say the only way we can know what we have is to lose it.
"Do you think it is possible to love someone your entire life and never realize it?"
I think that the bonds you forge growing up, will be the strongest kind of bonds you'll ever make in life. You might meet a thousand different people later on in life, but you will never have that same level of connection. The friendship is almost automatic, its subconscious, ingrained into your soul. There is a kind of familiarity between the two of you that is at once esoteric yet at the same time so commonplace, like knowing the lines in your palm. In the movie, Peter had known Rosie for 22 years. There was no other man that couldve known her the way he did (well maybe except for her father but thats a little bit creepy). She was literally the love of his life. The notion of being in love with someone who you know every little detail about and which you love her for, is just so painfully romantic. It is the kind of love that you will never experience again in life. The kind of love that most people will never get to experience in life.
Lately ive realised that my dad and i have radically different ideologies. He is a realist, while i am a romanticist. Perhaps this is just a matter of lack of real life experience on my part, but i think that even at the age of 47, i will still have a sense of the ethereal within me. He has been constantly trying to drill the idea that a successful career and a stable job are the fundamental ingredients to finding love. While i acknowledge that financial stability is a vital component of a successful relationship, the romantic within me cannot accept the fact that money is the answer to love. I would rather live a life of bachelorhood, than marry out of convenience. I know that there is no such thing as The One, unless it simply means the one person you will marry such as when you say "i think shes the one". But the kind of love that Peter and Rosie have, thats what i want. Thats what i want in life. I dont care about fortune or fame. I just want to be able to live a happy life with the one i love, and my two kids (a son and a daughter in case you were wondering). These days, the only thing that truly scares me is that its too late for me to find this kind of love. I'm 20 years old. I'll study and then become moderately successful and get a stable job and get introduced to a girl, and she'll be pretty and smart and mentally stable and we'll get along well and we'll think that we're in love and we'll be comfortable and after a short while we'll get married and we'll have kids but the love will fizzle out after a few years and we'll maintain the marriage out of convenience and for the sake of our children and we'll grow old together and we won't sleep in the same bed and we bicker all the time but we'll tolerate each other because we're all that we have left and then we'll die. That's not what i want. You could call me naive, or unrealistic, or whatever the fuck you want. But seriously, why are we even here? There's got to be more to life.
Every day, every night, I sit outside
Looking at the stars up in the sky
Hoping maybe, someday, I will find
All the answers that I'm seeking within my mind
I sit there, tears come, I begin to cry
A night of sorrow, a sorrowful life
- Simon Zhu
Tuesday, 30 August 2011
in light of recent events, ive been led to further believe that there is a divine power ruling over us all. we are awarded for hard work and perseverance, while we are punished for greed, gluttony, and trying to take shortcuts.
ive done some bad things, thought some bad thoughts, and ive been appropriately punished. now i realise that me being in my current predicament today has nothing to do with luck or curses, but merely a result of my own actions. ive been insincere, cowardly, insecure, fickle and most of all, unpersevering. i guess in this world, it is not who we are on the inside that matters, but what we do. however having said that, i need to change who i am on the inside first before i can hope to change how others perceive me. i really have been an idiot all my life. ive made mistake after mistake. but now ive gained the ability to recognise these mistakes, and that for me is an invaluable giant leap forward. im still no closer to understanding the inner workings of the female mind. but now i know some of the things im doing wrong, and it is clear what i must do next. theres no such thing as a clean slate. but there are second chances.
There's something about the magic of Night, that Day can never hope to capture. The cool still air, the serene silence, the infinite beauty of the stars, and the slow lament of the pallid moon. It was as if the whole world had stopped moving, falling asleep in its warm pyjamas that seemed to radiate a million minuscule suns shimmering against a backdrop of the darkest hue.
The only sounds that punctuated the silence of the still night were two soft sets of footsteps leisurely making their way along the deserted footpath. The only movements that perturbed the tranquility of the timeless scenery were the shadows of two solitary figures fluidly floating along the lifeless concrete. As they emerged into the comfortable orange glow of a streetlamp, the distinct silhouettes of a boy and a girl could be made out. In a world that seemed to have been frozen in time by a cast spell, they were the only gratifying signs of life. Yet from afar, even their existence did not appear wholly tangible as they became lost in the shadows of the trees, only to reemerge, unscathed, into the consolidating cocoon of a lamppost, only to disappear again seconds later. Like two space travelers, they flitted in and out of the material world.
As they walked, the boy inched closer towards the girl, at 5 centimetres per second. For a brief moment, their arms touched, and a supernova of exhilaration exploded up his arm. Gazing up at the starry sky, feeling the reassuring presence of the girl next to him, a nebulae of euphoria began to spread across his chest. For the first time in a long time, the boy was at ease. He let out a drawn breath, a constellation of tiny gaseous particles diffusing into the infinite space of the universe. He could walk like this forever.
At that very moment, he did not give a care for the rest of the world. His whole world was standing right in front of him. The instant he stared into her eyes, he was as good as lost. Her eyes were a galaxy of their own. Brooding, ever shifting, full of untapped secrets. The boy was hopelessly drawn by their gravitational pull. Not even light could escape the black hole of her pupils. The battle was as good as lost. He belonged to her now.
beautiful girls
all over the world
i could be chasing
but my heart would be breakin
i know nothin bout them ladies
nothin bout them ladies
i will say hi
and they might say hey back
but i wouldnt count on them lookin my way
cause i know nothin bout them ladies
nothing bout them ladies.
Sunday, 21 August 2011
so like, i want this song to be played at my funeral.
It was unclear what woke him. It might have been the jittery motions of the bus, or the uninvited cold, or maybe he simply sensed that his stop was near. Opening his eyes, the familiar interior of the bus greeted him once again. Through the window, brooding clouds sulked in the melancholic sky, heavy with burden. Tightening the scarf around his neck, the boy prepared himself for the long walk ahead of him.
Stepping off the bus, the cold immediately rushed up to greet him, eagerly smothering him in its icy embrace. Burying his face deeper into the scarf, the boy trudged onwards. He had walked this path hundreds of times before, the sights and sounds a familiar blur in the background as an endless stream of Asian pop music flowed into his ears. It was just like any other day.
Something wet and cold suddenly landed on his nose. It landed again, this time on his cheek. He started to feel it in his hair, on the back of his hands. It had started to drizzle. Fishing around his bag, the boy felt for the comforting fabric of his umbrella. Silently thanking his foresight, the boy continued onwards under his new canopy of nylon.
Yet something was different today. This was no ordinary rain. The droplets had a cohesive feel to them, almost as if they were solid. As each one impacted the ground, it bounced a little, remaining intact for a brief second before disappearing. Like a thousand tiny comets, ice pellets began to fall all around him. It was like walking in the midst of a icy meteor shower. He felt that at that moment, all of his wishes would come true.
His surroundings suddenly became novel again, as if the falling sleet had shattered the monotony of familiarity. Everywhere he looked, the scenery appeared strange, unrecognisable. It was as if he had accidentally fallen asleep on the bus and had woken up in a completely foreign land. He craned his neck left and right, marveling at the magic happening all around him.
That was when he first noticed it. Amidst the curtain of falling ice, a barely perceptible fleck of pure white, gracefully descending from the sky on invisible wings. It was an unique individual. Unlike the graupel, it did not plummet blindly to its own demise. No, for a beautifully brief moment, it danced. Borne on some unseen current, it twisted and spun, momentarily spiraling upwards, soaring into the air, as if intent on returning to where ever it came from. It floated towards the ground, then leapt into the air once again, all of its limbs extended towards the sky. Finally, the snowflake came to rest at his feet, completely spent.
Through the loud music pumping into my hears, i suddenly heard a commotion. Turning around i saw that a crowd had gathered by the banister, all peering into the ocean at some hidden sight. Roused from my seat, i edged closer to see what all the fuss was about. Among the exclamations of joy and surprise, i managed to make out one word - dolphins.
I felt excitement welling up inside of me. I had never seen a dolphin in real life before. However the banister was by now fully lined with people, all desperate to catch a glimpse of such a majestic animal in its natural habitat. Turning around, i decided to brave the fierce winds of the top observation deck, and was in turn rewarded with what was about to be one of the most profound moments of my life.
At first nothing could be made out except for the continuous ripples of the ocean and the trail of white foam that marked the passage of our boat. Then for a brief second, a fin appeared in the distance, slicing cleanly through the water like a knife parting paper. It was a barely perceptible ripple, but there was no doubt in my mind that this was caused by no mere wave. Tense moments passed, and no further signs seemed to disturb the ocean surface. Just as i was about to relinquish hope, a flawlessly streamlined body, perfected by millions of years of evolutionary design, exploded from the depths. It soared into the air with graceful ease before disappearing into the water once again.
The water surface erupted into activity. There had to be a dozen of them, weaving in and out of sight. A pair of them began to swim alongside the boat, their movements perfectly synchronised. Their bodies, the colour of the deepest oceans, seemed to glide effortlessly through the water, a stark contrast to the cumbersome motions of the boat. I was elated. Never before had i witnessed a sight so profoundly beautiful. This was nature in its purest, most pristine, unfiltered, undiluted, unpolluted form.
In that moment of raw beauty, i realised why i loved nature so much, why i strive to learn about it, why i worked so hard to protect it. All of my lifes problems disappeared, washed away by the ocean currents. They seemed so petty in the face of such majesty. Mesmerized, i stood there silently, unable to utter a single exclamation of joy or surprise. Only my eyes moved, greedily consuming every movement, every colour, every contour, locking it all away in the form of precious memories in the vault of my mind. No one will ever be able to take this away from me. I was there, a part of the moment, a part of nature. Today, i was a dolphin.
The season of summer has always been associated with the blossoming of fruitful relationships. Summer is the season of romance, a time when spirits shine, passions heat up, and love permeates the air. As seen in Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream, the adventures of four Athenian lovers bear fruit as they consummate their love at the end of the play, amid a lush forest in the midst of a warm summer night.
However the heart is a fickle thing. As the days get darker, passions cool, the feet gets colder, and the heart freezes over. As winter arrives, the winds of change have blown away the warm sails of a summer romance, until all that's left is the cold, barren, lifeless landscape of a relationship solstice. As Taylor Swift has so beautifully put: "and then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept in to my mind. You gave me all your love, and all i gave you was goodbye".
Yet the winter of 2011 appears to be different. Love is in the air. Everywhere i look around. Love is in the air. Every sight and every sound. And I don't know if im being foolish. Don't know if im being wise in saying this...BUT IS IT JUST ME OR IS EVERYONE FUCKING GETTING TOGETHER??!
Like wow, so many couples forming over this winter season, and more appears to be on the precipice of doing so. No need to name names, they know who they are.
All of a sudden i feel so JI. And what started off as a cute innocent nickname (i hope) is now threatening to become my reality. They say that if you're miserable single, you'll be miserable in a relationship; while it is true that i don't need to find a significant other to achieve self-fulfillment, MAN is it going to be awkward hanging out with the group when everyone else is holding hands. I thought the cold is meant to deter people from each other, but it seems to have only served to drive individuals closer together in their search for the comfort and warmth of another human soul.
I should be feeling happy for them. I guess I do, that fleeting moment of happiness when you first find out. But then you start to despair, as you think about the state of your own life (yes im quoting HIMYM, so what?). Despite all this, i remain optimistic, because i know that my aequus, my nox in shining armour, is getting here as fast as her noble steed will take her, to save me from this winter solstice and deliver me to equinox.
And I don't know if I'm just dreaming . Don't know if I feel sane. But it's something that I must believe in.
This is actually from a piece i wrote a while back, before i even saw When Five Fell. But it seems to fit perfectly.
I always thought you were just laying it on thick,
When you said that i was too sweet for you.
I never thought you actually meant it.
This is me.
I remember the times we've spent as if it were yesterday.
Just thinking about it makes me feel soft and gooey inside.
I still remember all those sleepless nights we shared,
Huddled together in front of the computer screen,
Listening to the humdrum of pouring rain.
Oh how you depended on me, day after day, night after night.
In times of distress, where others provided a shoulder to lean on,
I devoted my entire existence to you.
Spoonful by spoonful, I let your problems consume me.
But my love for you was so strong I sacrificed myself willingly.
In my eyes, you were beautiful.
An angel.
Your lips would melt me like a hot summer day.
I never once called you fat,
Despite you often accusing me of making you so.
We were inseparable, you and I.
You were the bread, and i was the butter.
Your sweet scent as we traveled together during the day,
The sound of your heartbeats as we fell asleep together at night,
These were the happiest memories of my life.
I never got over our separation.
You were the only one for me.
When you left, you took a part of me with you.
Now this is me, sitting alone in the darkness.
Half empty.
along this dark road i journey alone
without a destination or a way home.
no light in the sky to guide my way
never able to distinguish night from day.
unable to discern the passage of time
trudging forwards as if im blind.
melancholy is the song i sing
emptiness the only baggage i bring.
solitude on the tip of my tongue
loneliness the familiar tune i hum.
where i walk no one will follow
not even my own trusted shadow.
it doesn't matter how hard i try
i have wings but i cannot fly.
http://songsforcinema.com/album/when-five-fell
(listen to this soundtrack as you read this in a loud whisper)
She was never like all the other girls. Her eyes gave it away. They were always looking into the distance. Dreaming of a faraway land, with white washed shores and cherry blossom rain.
This is me. If my life has any purpose, it is to take her to anywhere she wants to go. I give her reason to get up in the morning, reason to leave the house, to face the real world.
Anyone can claim to have been with her, but how many can say that they've been by her side from the very beginning? To be there for every step of the journey - every moment, every scene, every first. To be a part of it. The first kiss, the first sunset, the first dance in the rain. To be able to walk alongside her, to know the shape of her footprints, the contours of her feet. Hers and mine blurring together in the sand until they are no longer able to be distinguished apart. It is as if the strings of fate have tied our lives together, our paths crisscrossed as far as the eye could see, disappearing over the horizon, entwined forever.
Our story is not one that can be told in words. Every wrinkle, every scar, every little pock mark, tells its own story. Its woven into the very fabric of my existence. After all, words can only take you so far. You'd really have to be there. To a stranger, my features may look worn, weary; the consequences of a hard, neglectful life. But little do they know, they're actually the telltale signs of a life lived to its fullest.
Can you imagine what its like, to know every little detail about the one you love, down to the length of her strides? To come face to face with her bare soul everyday, to feel its warm innocent caress, to witness its breathtaking beauty in all its simplicity? To feel her heartbeats resounding right next to your chest, as if they were your own?
She must know what she does to me. She was the only girl to have ever truly touched my soul. The gentleness of her touch can melt away even the heaviest of burdens, until i feel as if i'm walking on air. How will i ever find someone else to take her place, to fill her shoes? Sometimes i feel as if she is the only one that can take me to where i want to go. Without her by my side, who will i show the world to? Without her, who will i share each moment with? Without her, the word amazing will mean nothing but myriad memories lost in the intricate mazes of my mind. Without her. I cannot live without her.
But now i've realised the truth. The real reason behind why shes so different from all the other girls, the reason that makes her so special. The land she dreams of, the place she wants to go, was never a part of the world i live in. It is a place i cannot take her, a place i cannot go to. It saddens me that our journey will eventually come to an end, that i wont be the one to be by her side, when the sun grows old and the stars fade, and the moon is but a shadow of its former self. It saddens me so much sometimes, that it threatens to tear my heart asunder.
But then i think back to all the moments we've shared together, all the times when its just her and me, all the words, smiles and laughter that's been exchanged, knowing that all of this was real, knowing that they are permanently inked into the fabric of the universe, and that nothing will ever be able to wash them away, and i start to feel okay.
I was not born special. I was never one of a kind. But like any other, i have a story to tell.
This is me.
And this is my story.
but i feel i should write something for the sake of my large number of faithful followers. i know how much my posts mean to all of you, and what an inspiration they are to your daily lives. i know that my wit, humour and literary skills are the only things that give you reason to get up in the morning, to make the long perilous walk from your bed to your laptop. and i know that my writings are the only solace, only form of escape, that you can find from the cold bitter fingers of this cruel harsh world.
its not easy for me to create these masterpieces of literature. but i mustn't be selfish, for the integrity of so many lives depend on them. i know that the gravity of my words amazes and awes to such a great extent that it renders each and every viewer speechless. so much that none can find the courage to comment, for fear of spoiling the pristine beauty of my writing.
your thoughtful intentions will not pass unnoticed.
i know this is a pathetic excuse for a piece of writing, but these are desperate times, for the whimsical novelist Amy Fan has disappeared into the land of dreams, the unsung poet Simon Zhu has retreated into the privacy of his own thoughts, and the master narrator Jeannie Kang has been swept away by the windy city. im afraid this is all i can offer you for now, my dear beloved followers. but do not despair, do not weep.
instead, rejoice, my riveted readers, for creativity shall once again flow through the myriad corridors of my mind.
in due time there will be more pieces of brilliance for you to enjoy, to chase away the monotony of your holidays, to dispel the boredom that threatens to suffocate you.
I think in light of recent events and given my sober hungover state, its a perfect time to reflect and introspect.
I'm not proud of the person i've become, i can honestly say. It's not even the smoking, the drinking. Its the loss of my values, my resolve, my motivation. I've failed to value the important contribution my family plays in my life. I've failed to resolve my own problems, and instead turned to temporary escapes from reality and pushed the blame on the universe, when i am solely responsible for the mire im in. I've failed to motivate myself to study, to socialise, to stay healthy, to stay attuned to my surroundings, to take advantage of the opportunities ive been offered let alone go out into society and actively search for them.
Looking at the individual faces of the people lining up at primo, i've come to realise that im becoming the very type of person that i despise. If i wanted to be a promiscuous substance abusing hedonistic degenerate, i should've become one a long time ago. Its too late now to live that kind of lifestyle. Im too old to lose my integrity, to make bad decisions, to derail my life. Karma is real, and its got a seriously bitching round house kick.
I cannot continue down the path of self destruction any longer. I can't continue to jeopardise the integrity of my future career, future relationships, and future health. I dont want to live a life full of regret. Sure, that might sound cliched, but its only overused because its true.
Nothing good happens after 2am.
And nothing good ever comes out of doing something bad.
One day when the sky is falling,
I'll be standing right next to you,
Right next to you.
Nothing will ever come between us,
I'll be standing right next to you,
Right next to you.
I've the sudden urge to go back to the time when we first met. Not so i can change your impression of me or say the witty comeback that i thought of later but was too late to say because the moment had already passed.
No. I just want to feel the exhiliration of meeting you for the first time again. To lose myself in the moment, in the dance of wits, sidestepping your traps, twisting and twirling my way around your sharp retorts, then leaping back with a counter of my own. To feel fear and exhaltation in equal measures, not knowing what you will say next, not knowing how you will react, not knowing if i'll ever see you again. To bathe in the giddy happiness that only an unsullied heart can feel. To not know how things will turn out between us. To not know all the pain, sadness, suffering, anguish, rejection and heartbreak that lies ahead of me. To only see you in front me. Your eyes. Your smile. Your beauty. I want to feel that excitement again, to feel the adrenaline pumping through my veins, reminding every fibre of my being that i am still alive, that these are the moments i live for.
