Today, i finally canceled my monthly donation of $15 to the Red Cross after more than two years of continued support. I used to have so much faith in the world. I believed that i could honestly make a difference, no matter how small the amount. I believed that all the good things i did, will amount to something, and that even if people did not appreciate it, the universe would.

But as i wake up each morning, facing yet another day in this life, a little bit of that faith dies. Everyday, i grow a little more indifferent, a little more selfish, smothered by the banality of life. I used to think that humans are intrinsically good, but some turn evil due to their nurture. Now i find myself believing more and more that humans are intrinsically evil, and it is only the fear of retribution that keeps us from committing harm. We are all selfish, we are all animals, and our civilization is nothing but an illusion. Its amazing how easily we revert to our animalistic instincts and discard all allusions of grandeur and sophistication. We are worse than animals. At least they dont kill their own species out of sheer pleasure.

I find myself losing hope in the humanity within all of us, within myself, in the face of all that goes on around me. Everyday i contemplate my purpose here in life, and each day, i resign myself a little more to a banal life where i will eat, shit, work, fuck and sleep while awaiting my eventual death. Where i live for the sake of staying alive. I want to break free of this world. Run away, to a far distant planet, where magic still exists and people still care about each other. I really want to.

Im running out of time. Soon, ill even stop caring about that.