I want to watch Mannequin...

Watching olympics athletes compete is so inspirational

Olympic athletes are the epitome of human self-discipline.
They are a testament to the power of one person's will.
And an inspiration to all of us who are struggling in life.

An entire life, dedicated to the pursuit and realisation of one dream - to win gold and become verified as the world's VERY BEST.

Just even being able to stand on the olympic stage is an amazing feat, for they would have to triumph over so many other people, just as dedicated and hardworking as they are, to get to this point.

I cannot begin to imagine the amount of blood, sweat and tears they have expended to get to where they are today. The pain they have endured, the sacrifices they have made, the time, money and effort they have invested, just to get a shot at realising their dream.

How do they do it?
How do they dedicate their entire everything to one goal, one dream?

What kind of mentality, what kind of heart, they must have, to be able to endure hours and hours of workouts, training, and practices just to shave one second off the clock? Just to land with their feet 1 inch closer? Just to make a smaller splash? Just to jump 1cm higher? Just to lift 1kg more? Just to twirl another revolution in the air? Just to achieve absolute perfection?

What kind of self-discipline they must have, to lead a strictly routinized lifestyle day in and day out? To follow a perfectly balanced diet, to adhere to a tight sleeping routine, to abstain from any indulgent substances or activities.

What kind of yearning, desire and resolve they must have, to be able to climb back up from the darkest, deepest pits of despair following defeat to clinch victory in the end?
These people must have overcome countless obstacles, endured innumerable tribulations, triumphed over insurmountable odds, to get to where they are today.

I cannot hope to understand the emotions they must've had to live with everyday - the fear, the despair, the doubt, the pain, the sorrow. There must've been so many times when they thought about just giving up, thought about quitting, because it just wasn't worth it anymore. Yet somehow, they managed to pick themselves back up, steel their resolve, and push on through.

It's all very easy for me to say that this isn't the way that i want to live my life, that that's not what i want out of life. But in the end, im only saying that because i dont have it in me to accomplish what they have accomplished. The problems that i face, the trials that i have to overcome, are NOTHING in comparison to what they must go through. I really have no right to say that something is just too hard, or cry about how i just dont have enough time, or complain that its just too damn tiring.

Look at what these athletes have gone through. I really should take a page out of their book.

I truly admire and respect each and every one of these athletes, for each of them are one of the very best in their field. One day, i hope to have even a fraction of their strength, discipline, resolve, and desire, so that i too can become one of the very best in what i love doing.

So these days, im always alone

yet im never lonely.

I always seem to run into people i know, and end up having unexpected but pleasant conversations. It's really nice, living this way. Not constantly being surrounded by one's friends gives one the freedom and peace to enjoy the quiet retreat of one's own company.

So today, i enjoyed the bittersweet experience of eating dinner and studying by myself at BK. I sat at a quiet booth for two, facing the massive TV screen. I had my readings in one hand and a small drink with unlimited refills in the other. Occasionally people would walk by, and I'd do my best to ignore them. But there was a particularly affectionate couple sitting across the aisle from me, and i began to feel a little uncomfortable. I started to wonder, how did i look in their eyes?

In my own minds eye, i was a strong, independent man who was dedicated to the pursuit and fulfillment of his dream. But i couldn't help but feel i may have been just a tad bit biased in having thought that. Just a tad.

How did they see me? Did they see a loner? A misanthropist? Did they see a creep? Or perhaps they saw a nerd? A geek? Or maybe, they saw the next 'Batman', ifyouknowwhatimean. It didn't really occur to me till then, how i may have appeared to passerbys. I realised at that point that i had become one of those people who go to restaurants by themselves, sit in corners, and be occasionally seen smiling for no apparent reason or just muttering to themselves.

LOL i kid, i kid.

In all honesty, I didn't know whether to be happy or sad. It was a huge improvement for me, given that only a few years ago i couldn't bear the thought of even walking into a fast food joint without being accompanied by someone else. Nowdays, i can sit there by myself for hours. Plus, its not like im just sitting there, im actually studying, so i have a legitimate reason to be there, right? RIGHT?

But then i thought about the pangs of sympathy i felt when i saw those people sitting by themselves in McDonalds or Wendys, and then i didn't feel so optimistic.

But that's okay. No pain no gain right? Im kinda glad im doing this. It's about time i start putting in the hard yards. I've been getting by all my life relying on my good memory and small wits, without ever having really put in a lot of effort into what i do. I feel that if i am ever going to change, this year is as good as any to. I don't know how long this motivation will last, but the fire of desire is burning inside me once again. 每个人要是想用有动力，就必须有奋斗的目标。我找到了我可为奋斗的目标。省下的就要看我怎么去实现它了。

So im waiting for my electric blanket to heat up before i go to sleep

So i might as well write a blog post!

Trolololol you mad cops? Apparently there were alot of them outside the bar and around K road, but somehow i managed to elude them and got home safely. This will be the last time i drink and drive (hopefully). A chain of events recently have made me realise how precious life truly is and how easily we can lose it if we behave irresponsibly. So from now on, im going to be a more responsible person, for my sake. 

WOW, what a fun filled night. I expected the worst and it pretty much turned out for the best. If you're reading this Sarah Ding Dong, happy birthday again and thanks for inviting me and thanks for having such an awesome party.

Im really glad i went to this party tonight. I thought about not coming, due to fears that it would be awkward and i'd have a shit time but no, it was really good. I managed to accomplish what i set out to do. I caught up with friends, wished Sarah a happy birthday, and made amends. I guess i've finally tied up all my loose ends, and now i can finally move on and embrace my new life. It was heartwarming to see everyone so happy and enjoying themselves. One of the most redeeming qualities about humanity is our ability to forgive and forget, and i really witnessed that tonight. Things almost felt as if they never had changed. Almost.

Im really glad i went to this party tonight. Im sincerely happy for my friend. I think she's found a real catch. He's a hard worker and seems like someone who can challenge and motivate her to become someone better. I am truly happy for the two of them and i wish them both the best for the future.

Im really glad i went to this party tonight. Now everything feels so clear to me. Its obvious where my future lies. I feel motivated, empowered. I feel even more compelled now to fulfill my dream, because thats all I really have, besides myself. I feel so happy right now. So happy that i could cry. Theres nothing weighing down on me anymore. Nothing holding me back. Im free. Free as a fucking bird.

I feel like ive really matured over these past few months. Im alot more comfortable with myself and my responsibilities, and a lot less insecure. I don't think its a new breed of arrogance, but rather a quiet but unshakable belief in my own capabilities. I want to become more humble, more tolerant of others, more understanding, because these are the kind of people who are truly confident in who they are. I've quit smoking, i've quit starcraft, and i truly look forward to the future and the fresh challenges it will bring.

Just on an ending note, i'd like to say that i love all my friends, and that life is beautiful. Au revoir!

It's funny how quickly my mood changes

This morning i was taking a walk outside. The sun was shining and the sky was so blue and mayday was playing in my ears and i began to skip. I felt perfectly content at that moment, just being able to take a nice walk on a lovely day while listening to music i love. In that moment i felt like everything was going to be okay, that everything will work itself out. All my worries seemed to dissolve and i experienced a moment of pure happiness. Yet now, i feel depressed about the state of my life. Im annoyed with myself. I feel like nothing will work out, none of my problems will solve itself and im doomed to live a life of misery. The rational part of me tells me that how my life will actually turn out will be like neither of these extremes, but rather something in the middle. But right now, i can't help but feel like shit.

Just wanna say hi to my newest follower ^^

It always feels so gratifying for a blogger to gain a new follower, its something that should never be taken granted.

So yea welcome Cindy haha =]

We live in a complex, dynamic world that is constantly changing

In my minds eye, the cityscape viewed from Devonport had always been much bigger. But today, upon seeing it again, Auckland city seemed so far away, so tiny. The magic of its charm has been lost. Staring at it across the water, I didn't feel anything. I felt detached from it, as if it belonged in another world. I guess i'm finally over everything. Everything that this city resembles, offers, and contains. Its history, its landmarks, its people. Im over it all.

"It looks so big but its actually so empty," one of my friends said.
She's right.

Scrolling down the pages of facebook, photos of people living their lives pop up everywhere. In a way, i find it consoling. Everyone is doing something with their life, walking their own path, finding their own directions. Again, it just reinforces what i've increasingly known and have now come to accept - we live in a complex, dynamic world that is constantly changing. People are changing, relationships are changing, livelihoods are changing. Even my own life, which has always seemed so static to me, has changed drastically over the past few months without me even realising. Ive now realised the futility of trying to fight against change, to maintain the status quo, to hold on to relics of the past. Instead, i've learnt to embrace the change, even enjoy it - for it is a natural part of life.

A few things that's happened lately has made me really happy. A notable one is my improved relationship with my family, particularly with my parents. I feel like the atmosphere is really good at home right now and the sound of laughter can always be heard. Even after a tiring day at work, we can all sit at the dinner table and talk and laugh about the days events. To be able to emotionally open up to my parents and connect with them gives me a satisfaction and happiness that i have not known for a long time.

Another notable thing is that one of my closest friend has finally found happiness. I am truly glad for him, for he deserves every bit of it. He is a truly good guy who works hard, and now he has been generously awarded by life. Hes now got the whole package - car, job, and girl. Congratulations bro, you deserve it.

As for me, things are starting to look up too. In fact, its a little frightening when things start going my way, because im not used to it, and i feel as if at any moment its all going to be taken away from me and ill wake up to find that life has once again played a cruel joke on me. But no, i know now that you get out what you put in. My past failures has merely been a result of my lack of effort, with perhaps only a pinch of bad luck. I truly look forward to this semester. I have no expectations for anyone else, but i do have expectations for myself and what i should achieve. I know where my rightful place is now. All i have to do is claim it. POKEMON!!

That awkward moment when

you think you're alone and you're dancing by yourself and then your tenant walks by.

And that sad moment when you blog about it afterwards.

我现在

不害怕学习。
不害怕干活。
不害怕吃苦。
不害怕一个人。
我现在，
不害怕黑暗。
不害怕跌倒。
不害怕失败。
不害怕被抛弃。
我现在，
只害怕死。
因为我要活的原因太多了。

Cats are like women

I don't understand them at all.
One moment they're friendly and intimate, nek minnit they're ignoring you.

the little things

i like the way a street light looks on a misty night

the way its cone of light illuminates just a little segment of this world

that if you were to stand under it, you'd be in a world of your own.

i like the way the cloud of smoke drifts into the night sky

the way my lips tremble slightly as i exhale gently

each particle floating carefree in the wake of its new found freedom.

i like the way the piano notes rise to a crescendo just before a song is about to finish

the way it lets out its final breath as it meets its demise

as if wanting to impart as much beauty as possible to the listener

not knowing that the moment of silence that ensues is even more beautiful.

i like that moment of silence just after a song has ended and before the next one starts playing

the way the world seems to come to a standstill in that moment

that split second of absolute silence on a quiet misty night

when the whole world is asleep and it is only you and the solitary worlds illuminated by the street lights.

i like the huskiness in your voice as you utter hello

and the way your eyes crinkle when you smile.

i like the way you avert your eyes when you chew

and the way you cover your mouth when you laugh.

i like the way you never say what you mean

but always do what you say.

i like the way a person can know so much about another

yet not know anything at all.

and that is what i want.

to know someone so well that i come to love them for the little things.

I feel like i ought to write something

but what should i say?

I've generated many post ideas in the past few days, but somehow i never got around to writing them down and now, i've forgotten what i wanted to say.

So ive kinda been depressed the last few days. It always happens after i watch a really good anime movie or series, or even just a really meaningful normal movie. Recently, i watched The Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya. I have to say, it is one of the best animated movies i've seen. Right up there with 5cm/s and Hayao Miyazaki's films. It was so good, so magical, so whimsical, that it left me completely discontent with this world. I didn't know what to do with  myself afterwards. I felt totally lost. Why does magic not exist in the world which we live in? Why are there no time travelers, aliens, and espers? This world seems so dull, so boring, so plain in comparison. Is this why humanity makes these kind of movies? To provide an escape from the harsh realities of this world?

I dont know whether if its just the winter chill or if its the sheer weight of the banality of life pressing down on me, but these days i feel myself growing more and more numb. Lethargic. I can feel the fire of desire inside my heart burn a little less brighter with each sunrise, and my emotions and feelings become more and more fossilized as i grow increasingly impassive. These days, i've simply stopped caring. About anything.

In a way i guess that's a good thing. I've stopped having expectations for anything. And you know what they say - no expectations, no disappointments. The monotony of each day just blends into one another, until i lose all perception of time. The numbers on the calendar, the days of the week, the hands on the clock, none of them hold any meaning for me other than having an assignment due that day or having to go to work that day. I still have highs and lows. I still laugh till i can feel my stomach's about to burst. I still get angry to the point i want to stomp someones face in. There are still moments when i feel hopeful for the future, or upset over the state of my life. There are even moments where i feel proud of myself for what ive accomplished. But these moments never last. And when they disapppear, the lethargy, the impassiveness, is still there, having never left. It hangs thick in the gloom of my room like the mist that blankets the streets outside my window. It collects in the folds of my duvet, between the keys of my laptop, and in the corners of my heart. It is a constant drain on the vitality of my essence, slowly leeching away my desire and passion.

ROFL. Think i got a little bit carried away there. Ahhh that felt good. I haven't written anything remotely poetic or interesting in a long time. I can really feel my english degenerating. I should start reading again. Anyway if you're still reading, I hope you've gotten what you wanted out of this post, be it to kill some time or simply to have something to read. With this, i bid you farewell dear reader. May you stay safe and warm until next time. Adios.