Another midnight musing session

当这里是深更半夜，
我静静凝视着电脑屏幕，
没有人能知道我有多想哭。

那些过去美好的记忆，
在我脑海里旋转，虚无方向。

抱紧我，
抱紧我，
直到我有一种温暖的感觉。
我真的需要你来爱护我，
像个孩子。

We've been together for nearly 1 year and 9 months now. Not a single day goes by without me thinking about you, missing you.

Long distance is hard, especially when the number of months we've actually been together can be counted on one hand, while the number of months we've been apart cannot be counted on even two. However despite how hard it has been, it's been an incredible journey so far. I hope with all my heart that we can make it to the very end. We're three quarters of the way there now, only one quarter of the way left.

One quarter. That doesn't sound a lot does it? Well, that's still another 6 months. That's 26 weeks. Or 182 days. Or 4368 hours. Or 262,080 minutes. Or 15,724,800 seconds. When you put it like that, it does sound like a lot.

But then again, time does fly. Can you believe that I've lived in Melbourne for 15 months now?? And that it's been a year since I've gone back to New Zealand?? It didn't feel that long ago when I was driving around the streets of Auckland in the middle of the night in our little Swift.
Has it really been a year since I saw my dad? It didn't feel like that long ago when our whole family went to Handa for buffet lunch.
Was it really a year ago that I last saw my friends? It didn't feel that long ago when me and the boys were eating and laughing at Hopes Way, or singing 天高地厚 with Simon at Jeannie's birthday.

Fuck. Where did the time go? The last two years just felt like a blur to me. I have memories in my head of things happening, yet I do not remember doing them. It's like I have been asleep the past two years, and someone has merely implanted memories within my head to trick me into believing I had been awake. One moment I'm still studying and living comfortably in Auckland surrounded by my friends and family, and the next I'm by myself in Melbourne working full time. It really scares me to think that this is going to become the rest of my life - working that is.

Each week, Im going to spend the weekdays working and the weeknights and weekends recuperating from work. Then rinse and repeat for 50 weeks of each year, for 40 years of the rest of my life. When I think about it like that, it really makes me question whether there is more to life than that. I mean I suppose in between all that working I will somehow manage to find the time to get married, have kids, buy a house, and raise my kids in it. But still, there's got to be more to it than that!

I know it's naive for me to think that, because all our lives we have been preparing for this point. All 18 or so years of education is to prepare us for a life of work. But just because this is the way it is, does it mean this is the way it has to be? Don't get me wrong, I still want to succeed and achieve great things in my life, and to be able to do that, I have to work.

But...

But...

But...there's got to be more to life that just what I have now. Beyond working, I don't know what to do with myself. I feel so empty inside these days, and so lost. I guess it's because she's not here. I think if she was here, I would feel a lot better. But that day is still 6 months away. So for now, the only company I will have on these lonely nights are the distant stars and the vacant smoke drifting from my cigarette.