Another midnight musing session

当这里是深更半夜，
我静静凝视着电脑屏幕，
没有人能知道我有多想哭。

那些过去美好的记忆，
在我脑海里旋转，虚无方向。

抱紧我，
抱紧我，
直到我有一种温暖的感觉。
我真的需要你来爱护我，
像个孩子。

We've been together for nearly 1 year and 9 months now. Not a single day goes by without me thinking about you, missing you.

Long distance is hard, especially when the number of months we've actually been together can be counted on one hand, while the number of months we've been apart cannot be counted on even two. However despite how hard it has been, it's been an incredible journey so far. I hope with all my heart that we can make it to the very end. We're three quarters of the way there now, only one quarter of the way left.

One quarter. That doesn't sound a lot does it? Well, that's still another 6 months. That's 26 weeks. Or 182 days. Or 4368 hours. Or 262,080 minutes. Or 15,724,800 seconds. When you put it like that, it does sound like a lot.

But then again, time does fly. Can you believe that I've lived in Melbourne for 15 months now?? And that it's been a year since I've gone back to New Zealand?? It didn't feel that long ago when I was driving around the streets of Auckland in the middle of the night in our little Swift.
Has it really been a year since I saw my dad? It didn't feel like that long ago when our whole family went to Handa for buffet lunch.
Was it really a year ago that I last saw my friends? It didn't feel that long ago when me and the boys were eating and laughing at Hopes Way, or singing 天高地厚 with Simon at Jeannie's birthday.

Fuck. Where did the time go? The last two years just felt like a blur to me. I have memories in my head of things happening, yet I do not remember doing them. It's like I have been asleep the past two years, and someone has merely implanted memories within my head to trick me into believing I had been awake. One moment I'm still studying and living comfortably in Auckland surrounded by my friends and family, and the next I'm by myself in Melbourne working full time. It really scares me to think that this is going to become the rest of my life - working that is.

Each week, Im going to spend the weekdays working and the weeknights and weekends recuperating from work. Then rinse and repeat for 50 weeks of each year, for 40 years of the rest of my life. When I think about it like that, it really makes me question whether there is more to life than that. I mean I suppose in between all that working I will somehow manage to find the time to get married, have kids, buy a house, and raise my kids in it. But still, there's got to be more to it than that!

I know it's naive for me to think that, because all our lives we have been preparing for this point. All 18 or so years of education is to prepare us for a life of work. But just because this is the way it is, does it mean this is the way it has to be? Don't get me wrong, I still want to succeed and achieve great things in my life, and to be able to do that, I have to work.

But...

But...

But...there's got to be more to life that just what I have now. Beyond working, I don't know what to do with myself. I feel so empty inside these days, and so lost. I guess it's because she's not here. I think if she was here, I would feel a lot better. But that day is still 6 months away. So for now, the only company I will have on these lonely nights are the distant stars and the vacant smoke drifting from my cigarette.

Midnight musings about life and success

Every time I listen to this song, something stirs inside of me and emotions well up.

Maybe its the beautiful baritone, or the melodious mezzo. Maybe its the perfect harmonisation between a contemporary Chinese song and a timeless, classic, symphony.

Or maybe it's the way how both singers pour all their passion, ability and skills into this one song in the hopes of making their dreams come true. Only one contestant can emerge victorious and move one step closer to achieving what they've worked towards all their lives, and the way each of them musters all their abilities and skills and give it their all really resonates with me on a deep level.

Its the same when I watch the very first fight between Goku and Vegeta. The way both Saiyans push themselves to the limit and summons all their powers and energy to beat the other just makes my blood boil.

I mean how fucking cool is that.

The truth is, life IS a battlefield. And there are real winners and losers. Of course, I dont mean it in that life is a game where there can only be one winner. Rather, while everyone is ultimately a loser in the game of life (cause dying is effectively losing right?), when it comes to individual situations, there are those who succeed, and those who fail. Obvious examples include sports, love, and jobs.

And this applies to every single one of us, everyday. We all want things. We want things to happen, we want to own things. But life doesn't simply just give it to us, because magic genies that grant wishes don't exist in the real world (or at least the one I live in). So you have to fight for it. Thus every time we desire something, we are left in a situation where we can either win or lose.

Personally, I don't think im a sore loser. I know there will be many times where I lose, and I already have lost many times. But I don't WANT to lose. I want to win.

I want to win so fucking badly. You can laugh at me as you read this if you want, but the truth is I really really really really want to win. 

I want to succeed. I want to accomplish things. I want to be in a position where I have power, money, and influence. I want to be respected and admired by others. I want to be someone that women want to be with, and men want to be. I want to be Goku. Or Batman. Or Iron Man. Or Barack Obama. Or Adam Levine. Or Justin Timberlake. Or Bradley Cooper. Or Bill Gates. Or Steve Jobs. You get the gist. 

I have great aspirations for my life, because if there is one thing I hate, it is mediocrity. I'm not happy with where I am at the moment, nor am I happy with the pace of how things are moving along (I know this contradicts what I've said in an earlier post, but part of me is unhappy. And increasingly im beginning to think it's the larger part). I feel stuck, and I don't know how to un-stuck myself (im so eloquent, I know).

I wish I could push forward. I wish I could somehow find a way to break through. Find a way to reach my goals faster. Find a way to get what I want. Time is moving too slow. I AM moving too slow. At this rate, Ill long be dead before I can reach where I want to be.

For one to be successful, the 4 main ingredients are: desire, effort, luck, and know-how. I definitely have the desire to succeed. I am working on the effort. Luck is out of my control. 

Now I just gotta know how.

Life goals

The best thing about being an adult is that you have total control over your life. It means that you can do whatever you want and pursue whatever you desire. It also means that you must take complete responsibility for all your actions and their consequences; you can no longer blame your parents or family for something that happens or for not being able to do something you always wanted to.

Armed with the knowledge that my parents no longer have any control over my life and that I do not owe it to them to do anything (other than pay my dues as a son should), I feel very excited about the future. There are so many things I want to do with my life, so many possibilities, and I am the one that can make it all happen.

I think in the next ten years, I envisage one of two scenarios for my life:
1. I have married and settled down in Australia; or
2. I am living in the south coast of France, chatting with beautiful French girls in fluent French while drinking French wine. Or maybe I'll be kicking it in Germany as a promising Environmental Engineer. Or in Sweden. Or the Netherlands.

Either way, it is my goal to make one of those two above scenarios happen in the next 10 years. There will be no excuses not to make it happen. I will no longer able to blame my parents for holding me back, or blame youth for being the source of my ineptitude. I am solely responsible for what happens in my life now.

Well...me and fate.


Also, it has always been my dream to attend Oxford. Perhaps one day I will be able to make it a reality.