Update on Melbourne

So I got my first paycheck yesterday. It's not much but it felt pretty good to finally be earning money. I've dreamed of this day for quite a while now and for me personally, its a big achievement. I know many people have been earning money since they were 15, but all the money I've ever received were either from working for my parents or student allowance from studylink. This is the first time I've received money from an outside source for my hard work, and it truly feels rewarding.

However working at least 20hrs a week and studying full time is really taking its toll on me. I'm stressed as hell but often I just don't have the energy or capacity to do anymore learning after a days work. I felt literally brain dead on Wednesday after 6 hrs of work and 3 hrs of class, all on 6 hrs sleep the previous night. Life is really hard at the moment and I'm not quite sure how I'm going to get through the next 3 weeks.

Also lately I've been feeling really lonely. I constantly crave attention or companionship, but I just don't really have people that I can just text and hang out with like I have in Auckland. I only have 2 close friends here which I can hang out on a constant basis, but its not like I can see them all the time, so I'm still by myself most of the time.

I think the long distance is really getting to me as well. I feel like I'm close to reaching the breaking point where I can't handle being away from her any longer. Especially in stressful times like this, not having her by my side to support and care for me makes things even harder.

I'm coming to realise more and more lately that I am a person that enjoys social interaction. I used to think that I was slightly introverted, but now I feel like I thrive off of companionship and socialising with people, and find it hard to be alone. This may have something do to with the fact that usually alone time means study time, and thus I associate negative emotions with being by myself. I don't know. What I do know is that I'm stressed and I'm lonely and I don't know how much more of this I can take.

But this is such a critical period and so much pressure and hope and dreams is dependent on the next 3 weeks, I really can't afford to fuck this up. My history has shown that I was never a particularly strong or disciplined person, but I guess now is as good a time as any to prove that wrong once and for all. Just one more month and then it's all over. It's time to show my true fighting spirit!