我一直是一个浪漫主义者。我一直向往找到属于自己的一片爱情和幸福，这就是我对生活最大的追求之一。所以非诚勿扰是我以来一直非常喜欢的一个节目。虽然我觉得爱情和感情是通过时间来培养的，但是第一眼的感觉也很重要。所以虽然在一个节目里十几分钟不可能就知道你愿不愿意和一个人恋爱，可是这是个创造机会，并且带有浪漫的一个好平台。
这两天我又开始使劲的看非诚勿扰。也许是因为学习和工作的压力的原因，也许是因为我想念我自己心里的那位女神。我为了追求属于我自己的爱情已经奋斗了好多年了。经过了很多的挫折和失败之后，一年前，我终于找到了属于我的感情。我以为我可以终于开始享受二人世界，过着幸福的生活。
可是生活的幽默感是多么的残忍。在我们交往了14个月里，只有四个月是真正的在一起。幸福的时间永远是那么短暂，那么的bittersweet，那么的可望而不可即。当然这也让我们在一起的时间更加的珍贵和特殊，可是我真正想要的是两个人一起过日子的感受。
所以每当看到男嘉宾牵到了心仪的女嘉宾，都感觉非常的羡慕。尤其是我比较喜欢或者欣赏的女嘉宾，都会感到感动和一点难过哈哈。今天之前在看这个月播出的节目时，发现我一直欣赏的14号吴子恩不在了，就想她是否被牵走了。youtube搜了之后，找到了那集。原来他被我们西安的一个很真诚的帅小伙给牵走了。吴子恩经常被选为心动女生，可是男嘉宾们从未有坚持过他们的决定。这个西安小伙是第一个选她为心动女生，而并且也坚持他的选择，尽管吴子恩已灭了灯。他这样表现他的感情和诚意，深深地打动了吴子恩，所以决定跟他走。当时的画面很浪漫，很感人，给我留下了深刻的印象。
我真正想说的就是，我的坚持让我得到了在我心中是女神的女孩，可是我却未能享受我所渴望的幸福。 我对这一点抱怨了生命，也抱怨了我自己，为何做出了出国的决定？可是，我至今还是觉得这是对的决定，因为我要成为一个优秀的男人，这样才能将来给她创造更好的条件。我希望我做出的决定经过时间的考验，仍然会是对的。我希望后年等她硕士毕业了，我们的二人生活就可以终于开始了。虽然还要坚持一年多的异地恋，可是我觉得只要将来能在一起，还是值得的。我希望现在我们的等待，牺牲，和痛苦，都是值得的。我觉得难以得来的东西，才让人们懂得去珍惜；品尝了痛苦的滋味，才懂得什么叫幸福。我相信，只要有付出，就有应当的回报。
Saturday, 19 October 2013
Update on Melbourne
So I got my first paycheck yesterday. It's not much but it felt pretty good to finally be earning money. I've dreamed of this day for quite a while now and for me personally, its a big achievement. I know many people have been earning money since they were 15, but all the money I've ever received were either from working for my parents or student allowance from studylink. This is the first time I've received money from an outside source for my hard work, and it truly feels rewarding.
However working at least 20hrs a week and studying full time is really taking its toll on me. I'm stressed as hell but often I just don't have the energy or capacity to do anymore learning after a days work. I felt literally brain dead on Wednesday after 6 hrs of work and 3 hrs of class, all on 6 hrs sleep the previous night. Life is really hard at the moment and I'm not quite sure how I'm going to get through the next 3 weeks.
Also lately I've been feeling really lonely. I constantly crave attention or companionship, but I just don't really have people that I can just text and hang out with like I have in Auckland. I only have 2 close friends here which I can hang out on a constant basis, but its not like I can see them all the time, so I'm still by myself most of the time.
I think the long distance is really getting to me as well. I feel like I'm close to reaching the breaking point where I can't handle being away from her any longer. Especially in stressful times like this, not having her by my side to support and care for me makes things even harder.
I'm coming to realise more and more lately that I am a person that enjoys social interaction. I used to think that I was slightly introverted, but now I feel like I thrive off of companionship and socialising with people, and find it hard to be alone. This may have something do to with the fact that usually alone time means study time, and thus I associate negative emotions with being by myself. I don't know. What I do know is that I'm stressed and I'm lonely and I don't know how much more of this I can take.
But this is such a critical period and so much pressure and hope and dreams is dependent on the next 3 weeks, I really can't afford to fuck this up. My history has shown that I was never a particularly strong or disciplined person, but I guess now is as good a time as any to prove that wrong once and for all. Just one more month and then it's all over. It's time to show my true fighting spirit!
However working at least 20hrs a week and studying full time is really taking its toll on me. I'm stressed as hell but often I just don't have the energy or capacity to do anymore learning after a days work. I felt literally brain dead on Wednesday after 6 hrs of work and 3 hrs of class, all on 6 hrs sleep the previous night. Life is really hard at the moment and I'm not quite sure how I'm going to get through the next 3 weeks.
Also lately I've been feeling really lonely. I constantly crave attention or companionship, but I just don't really have people that I can just text and hang out with like I have in Auckland. I only have 2 close friends here which I can hang out on a constant basis, but its not like I can see them all the time, so I'm still by myself most of the time.
I think the long distance is really getting to me as well. I feel like I'm close to reaching the breaking point where I can't handle being away from her any longer. Especially in stressful times like this, not having her by my side to support and care for me makes things even harder.
I'm coming to realise more and more lately that I am a person that enjoys social interaction. I used to think that I was slightly introverted, but now I feel like I thrive off of companionship and socialising with people, and find it hard to be alone. This may have something do to with the fact that usually alone time means study time, and thus I associate negative emotions with being by myself. I don't know. What I do know is that I'm stressed and I'm lonely and I don't know how much more of this I can take.
But this is such a critical period and so much pressure and hope and dreams is dependent on the next 3 weeks, I really can't afford to fuck this up. My history has shown that I was never a particularly strong or disciplined person, but I guess now is as good a time as any to prove that wrong once and for all. Just one more month and then it's all over. It's time to show my true fighting spirit!
Friday, 18 October 2013
How to summon the polaroid fairy
1. Be attractive
2. Be female
3. Have a birthday celebration (even if it's not your birthday)
4. Have lots of free food available
5. Call his name and he will appear with a brand new polaroid.
2. Be female
3. Have a birthday celebration (even if it's not your birthday)
4. Have lots of free food available
5. Call his name and he will appear with a brand new polaroid.
Saturday, 12 October 2013
Mum, Dad, have I finally made you proud yet?
I think there is one thing that every son and daughter have in common, and that is the desire to make their parents proud. No matter whether it's getting a sticker for good behavior or getting a 6 figure job, we all want to watch our parents faces light up and see their eyes fill with pride. No matter whether you're a homeless person or the president of the USA, on some level, at some point in your life, you wished to make your parents proud of your achievements.
I'm sure a psychologist will break down and rationalise this innate desire that we all possess, and provide some reasoning behind this. But who gives a shit; the point is, we all feel it.
We all struggle to deal with our parents expectations. Some are better at dealing with it than others, and have found some form of balance or middle ground. Others are pressured or forced into doing things that conflict with their own interests and desires.
For me personally, I have been fortunate enough that I was never forced into doing anything I don't like. However, the need to live up to my parents expectations has always tormented me ever since my teenage years. Maybe it's the scar between my dads brow which makes it look like its constantly furrowed and that hes always angry or displeased, but I've always felt a desperate desire to make him happy. This often comes into conflict with my desire to make myself happy, and this has resulted in drama on numerous occassions (as some of you probably know). I guess I have father issues?
Either way, I've always wanted to make my parents proud, but my achievements always seem to get outdone by my failures. I would have one small achievement, give them hope, and then let them down even more. But being parents, they never quite give up on you, and will cling on to any bit of hope you give them. So when I announced that I wanted to study in Melbourne, even though it would cost $25k in fees alone, they happily paid it for me. I guess for them as parents, they wanted to reassure themselves that they did their best. The rest was up to me.
But even coming to Melbourne, being able to cook and look after myself while getting good academic results wasn't good enough for them. I still didn't have a job.
I would dread the phone call home every weekend because I know the topic would inevitably fall on my job hunt. The pressure was quite intense and sometimes I thought I wouldn't be able to hack it. I asked them when would I ever be able to satisfy them, when would they finally be content with my achievements, and the answer was that when I had a job.
Well recently, I found a job with the EPA which I am currently interning at. It's only a temporary position and it's just for 3 days a week, but hopefully it will turn into something more permanent in the future. The good news is, I actually like going to work, and the pay is good. The bad news is, I have to work up to 24 hrs a week while still managing a full study workload.
When I got the job, I was really happy. I was happy that I could finally make some money, that finally someone decided to give me a chance to show my true potential, that finally I found a job related to what i study. But the thought that seemed to predominate my mind was: Mum, Dad, have I finally made you proud yet?
I'm sure a psychologist will break down and rationalise this innate desire that we all possess, and provide some reasoning behind this. But who gives a shit; the point is, we all feel it.
We all struggle to deal with our parents expectations. Some are better at dealing with it than others, and have found some form of balance or middle ground. Others are pressured or forced into doing things that conflict with their own interests and desires.
For me personally, I have been fortunate enough that I was never forced into doing anything I don't like. However, the need to live up to my parents expectations has always tormented me ever since my teenage years. Maybe it's the scar between my dads brow which makes it look like its constantly furrowed and that hes always angry or displeased, but I've always felt a desperate desire to make him happy. This often comes into conflict with my desire to make myself happy, and this has resulted in drama on numerous occassions (as some of you probably know). I guess I have father issues?
Either way, I've always wanted to make my parents proud, but my achievements always seem to get outdone by my failures. I would have one small achievement, give them hope, and then let them down even more. But being parents, they never quite give up on you, and will cling on to any bit of hope you give them. So when I announced that I wanted to study in Melbourne, even though it would cost $25k in fees alone, they happily paid it for me. I guess for them as parents, they wanted to reassure themselves that they did their best. The rest was up to me.
But even coming to Melbourne, being able to cook and look after myself while getting good academic results wasn't good enough for them. I still didn't have a job.
I would dread the phone call home every weekend because I know the topic would inevitably fall on my job hunt. The pressure was quite intense and sometimes I thought I wouldn't be able to hack it. I asked them when would I ever be able to satisfy them, when would they finally be content with my achievements, and the answer was that when I had a job.
Well recently, I found a job with the EPA which I am currently interning at. It's only a temporary position and it's just for 3 days a week, but hopefully it will turn into something more permanent in the future. The good news is, I actually like going to work, and the pay is good. The bad news is, I have to work up to 24 hrs a week while still managing a full study workload.
When I got the job, I was really happy. I was happy that I could finally make some money, that finally someone decided to give me a chance to show my true potential, that finally I found a job related to what i study. But the thought that seemed to predominate my mind was: Mum, Dad, have I finally made you proud yet?
Wednesday, 9 October 2013
Thursday, 3 October 2013
Some gloomy thoughts
Spent the last 3 hours reading about American serial-killers after watching Silence of the Lambs. Now I've been left feeling traumatised and have completely lost faith in humanity. What's most scary is that many of these killers look and behave like normal people, so you had no idea that inside they were depraved and completely fucked up. What's more incredulous is that they are still treated like human beings after being convicted, despite everything they've done. They are interviewed, allowed to see family, dress up nicely in suits and everything. It's like they're perfectly human, yet inside they're monsters. They seem to have no trouble killing, mutilating, and dismembering their victims. Some of them even perform necrophilia.
But then again, we decapitate the heads off fish, squash ants, butcher cows and sheep and eat their meat, skin animals while they're still alive to take their fur, all like its a normal part of life. The only difference between us and serial killers seems to be that we don't do it to our own species. Yet people kill each other all the time, in the name of God, in the name of country, or even in the name of peace. If you really think about it, human beings are fucked up and the nature of reality is cruel. It's a bloody violent world where life and death are constantly happening and survival of the fittest is the only true law that every living organism abides by.
I guess im just in a gloomy mood today. There are obviously also many beautiful and redeeming features of this world. To delve into the dark side of it all and truly understand the cruel nature of reality would drive any human being mad. I guess that's why they say ignorance is bliss.
But seriously, we live in a fucked up world with dangers all around us and people need to be aware of these risks. Im not saying that you should live life constantly in fear of everything so much that it will prevent you from enjoying it (cause wouldn't that be a fate worse than death?), but you can never be too careful. Sometimes life or death rests in one simple decision.
But then again, we decapitate the heads off fish, squash ants, butcher cows and sheep and eat their meat, skin animals while they're still alive to take their fur, all like its a normal part of life. The only difference between us and serial killers seems to be that we don't do it to our own species. Yet people kill each other all the time, in the name of God, in the name of country, or even in the name of peace. If you really think about it, human beings are fucked up and the nature of reality is cruel. It's a bloody violent world where life and death are constantly happening and survival of the fittest is the only true law that every living organism abides by.
I guess im just in a gloomy mood today. There are obviously also many beautiful and redeeming features of this world. To delve into the dark side of it all and truly understand the cruel nature of reality would drive any human being mad. I guess that's why they say ignorance is bliss.
But seriously, we live in a fucked up world with dangers all around us and people need to be aware of these risks. Im not saying that you should live life constantly in fear of everything so much that it will prevent you from enjoying it (cause wouldn't that be a fate worse than death?), but you can never be too careful. Sometimes life or death rests in one simple decision.
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