Moving to Melbourne

So last night, I moved into my new place and spent my first night as a independent man. Im living in a 90 year old house on a quiet street in the suburb of Coburg. Everything here is so quaint - the street, the houses, my room. My flatmates are a 20 year old Malaysian Chinese guy whos starting his Bachelors at Melb Uni, and a 37 year old Australian white guy who is studying Chinese and Asian studies. They're both great guys, and I can see us all becoming friends. Yet, the sensation of living with strangers is still very... strange to me, believe it or not. I was living with distant relatives for the past 5 days; although I did not know them, the family ties we had made the atmosphere much more homely. Now however, I am truly on mine own. Undoubtedly i am excited at this prospect, the novel notion of me finally gaining my independence. Yet the prevailing feeling that surges to the fore is one of solitude and loneliness.

Yes, I moved to Melbourne because I tired of Auckland. Yes, I wanted a clean slate and a new start in a place where no one knew me and the entire city was my playground, a place with endless opportunities for the taking, should I be willing to work hard enough. Yes, a part of me was running away. Away from the old me, away from my shitty academic history, away from a city of 1 million people, away from the people I know, away from my family.

But now that I am here, damn do I miss it all. I miss being so familiar with a place, I could just hop in a car and go anywhere I wanted to just from memory. Hell, I miss the convenience of having my own car and being able to go anywhere I wanted to go! I miss my family, my friends, even my acquaintances. I miss being able to see a familiar face, being able to look into their eyes and know that there is history between us. I guess what really ties us to a place is the people which resides in it. Home is not where you're born or where you sleep at night, its where your friends and family are.

Its funny how we never believe anything till we experience or see it for ourselves. Now I truly know the meaning of "we don't appreciate what we have till its gone". Moving to a new city on your own is not easy. Apart from finding your way around, finding a place to live, and getting settled in, there's also the emotional side of things. You're in a strange place full of strangers. You don't know the city, and the city certainly doesn't know you. I always thought that Australia would be exactly like New Zealand, but now I realize that I am still in another country, with its own rules, its own system, and its own culture. I am a foreigner in foreign lands. Its a challenge just getting used to the transport system here.

I guess im feeling the blues this morning. I suppose its a natural part of moving to a new place. You get homesick. I don't know anyone here. I can't just text a mate and ask to hang out, or grab some KFC and drive to a nice scenic spot. Sure, im getting slowly acquainted with my flatmates and they're both great people; sure I have distant relatives who can help me out should I really need it; sure I'll make new friends at Uni (already got some girl's number); but they will never come close to becoming a worthy substitute for my friends in NZ whom I grew up with and my real family. The friendships I have formed in NZ are those that last a lifetime. I will be very lucky if i can ever find the same kind of brohood again here in Aussieland.

But life goes on. I can't stay in the same place forever. I can't stay in my comfort zone forever. So it's better to venture out earlier than later. This is my chance to get a better education, to improve my chances of finding a good job, to live in a country that awards hard workers with a better life, and most importantly: to grow up.

I do not know this city yet, but I will. This city does not know me yet, but it shall. I think i need to stop staying in my room and feeling sad and go outside and explore the city of Melbourne. Well actually, just the suburb of Coburg for today.

五月天

"I met Bobby on the boardwalk, summer of '45
Picked me up late one night at the window,
He was 17 and crazy, running wild, wild."

My baby is coming back in 44hrs. 今天是我们的五月天 - the day of our 5 month anniversary. As usual, it'll be spent afar, alone, apart. Celebrated with a phone call, commemorated with a text. Even though we've been together for 5 months, it doesn't feel like its been that long. Maybe its because time flies when you're having fun, or maybe its because we've spent half the time hundreds and thousands of miles apart. To be honest, I don't know when the next time we can celebrate our anniversary together in person will be. Life is bittersweet right now. I've found my other half, yet I cannot be with her. I can finally study in Australia, but I don't have CSP. I guess everything comes at a price.

"Look at you, worrying so much about things you can't change
You'll spend your whole life singing the blues if you keep thinking that way."

I can't honestly say that these are things I cannot change. After all, I can just stay in Auckland and do my Masters here. But I feel like my destiny lies in Australia. This is my calling. This is my chance to fulfill my dreams.

love or career?

money or dreams? 

Things aren't that simple. Life isn't so black and white. These are not opposing elements. One of my dreams IS to make lots of money. Also, pursuing one aspect at one point in time doesn't mean I have to give up on another aspect altogether. Just because I choose career right now doesnt mean I have to sacrifice love forever. Right now, my priorities are to make something of myself, so im willing to sacrifice love for the time being so that it will last longer in the future. If I don't make something of myself, if I cannot provide for her, if I don't have a sense of purpose, if I don't pursue my dreams, I don't think I will be able to keep any girl for long. That's why I have to do this. Im doing this for myself, and for us.

so ive been back from china for a week now and yet i have not written a single blog post. i dreamt up so many ideas whilst in china but couldnt write them down since blogspot was banned in china and i wasnt about to write it down on word since im so used to this medium and itd feel like i was doing an assignment and then itd become a chore instead, so now ive forgotten alot of the clever and witty things i wanted to say and even if i didnt forget, ive kinda lost interest in what i have to say anyway. additionally i feel as if my english has degenerated greatly in the past month from lack of use to the point that even if i wanted to say something, i wouldnt be able to articulate it. i think ive also lost the ability to write anything remotely descriptive. there were so many emotions and sentiments i felt in china and so many magical moments that i wanted to capture with words but simply couldnt come up with the right ones. whats more, these days im just so tired from work that i dont really want to write anything anyways.

Ten thousand miles

Ten thousand miles seperate your lips from mine,

But our hearts have never been more closely entwined.

Nothing will stand between you and me,

Nothing, not even the might sea.

For love knows no time, knows no distance,

My feelings will be beside you in an instance.

I will stay strong, I will stay brave,

I will not break, I will not cave!

For the future is firmly founded by my faith,

With patience I await the day you once more fall into my embrace.

Today was perfect.

I feel so close to you right now

It's a force field

I wear my heart upon my sleeve, like a big deal

Your love pours down on me, surrounds me like a waterfall

And there's no stopping us right now

I feel so close to you right now

"Relationships are scary", a friend once said to me

And i couldnt agree more. I know this may seem like an obvious thing to say, but relationships are hard...

Having spent the past 20 years by myself, learning to share my life with another person is a really challenging experience. No longer can i do as i please, for my every action and inaction will affect the person i care most about. I am subjected to a whole new range of experiences and emotions, and find myself in situations that i do not know how to deal with yet.

I guess this stems partly from my lack of experience, but also from my own flaws. The past few months have made me discover new things about myself. I realise now that I am emotionally immature, irrational, intolerant, have a tendency to over-think and over-complicate things, a control freak, and very selfish. I've also learnt that being truly good to someone and thinking that youre being good to someone are two VERY different things.

The truth is, i really don't know what the fuck im doing. There's so much that i don't know, so much that i need to learn, so much that i need to improve on. I really wish that there was a text book or manual on how to be a good boyfriend and maintain a healthy relationship. Sadly, nothing in life is ever that easy.

However, the first step to finding a solution to a problem is recognising what the problem is. So at least im on the right track.

It's midnight, all is quiet except for the gentle but steady pitter patter of midnight rain, so you all know what that means...

...IT'S TIME FOR A SENTIMENTAL POST!!! *imaginary crowd goes wild*

So, tomorrow is going to be my last exam of the year, maybe forever. I can't believe time flies by so quickly. What a year it has been. So many ups and downs, although more ups than downs i have to say. Tonight is no different from any typical night one year ago - im sitting at my laptop in my room, illuminated by only a lamp, writing a blogpost while listening to the reassuring sounds of midnight rain outside my window. Yet something has changed. While i still feel uncertain about my future, I am more confident about my present.

When i turned 21, people told me that this year would be my year. I didn't believe them. To me, it seemed like it was going to be just another year. A year devoid of change, devoid of progress, devoid of hope.

Boy was i was wrong. 2012, whether it is the year that the world ends or simply the natural successor of 2011, is a year that to me, stands out from the rest. It has been a year of self-discovery, of progress, and of new experiences. While the esoteric "Career" which the older generations preach of still has yet to appear on the horizon, I have made some new progress in my life. I've acquired my full drivers license, and am just about to complete my Bacherlors degree and Postgraduate diploma, among other things. Things that i thought i wasn't capable of, things that i thought i wouldn't be able to accomplish this year, I have now managed to achieve *hopefully*. These things have given me new confidence, new hope, and a renewed excitement for the future.

One of my biggest worries in the past few years is that i won't be able to find a job when i graduate, that i will let my entire family down. But what this year has taught me, if nothing else, is that if i put my mind to something, i can achieve it. I feel that over this year, i have learnt to become comfortable with who i am. Some of the people that i used to surround myself with made me feel that there was something wrong with me. But getting away from them, being by myself, and meeting new people has made me gain a new appreciation for who i am. Yes, i am still flawed. But my perception of myself has changed, and I can feel myself changing alongside it. With my changing self-perception, i feel that the way i engage with others has also changed. I no longer feel a desperate need to be liked, to belong, to fit in. I know who my real friends are, I know who i am, and these are the precious things that i will hold on to.

So, tomorrow is going to be my last exam. Although i didn't get 9A+ like i said i would, i may still be able to end this year with one A+ if all goes well tomorrow. Even if i don't, its okay, because whatever the future holds for me - be it success, failure, happiness or heartbreak - i feel like i am more capable of facing it head on.

To all those that feel like they are struggling in life: chin  up mate, you're not alone, so don't ever give up the fight.
Exciting times ahead. FIGHT ON!