I wonder what it's like

to be able to have such an effect on someone
with every word you say
every expression you make
every touch that connects
every thought that's expressed
every step you take
every little thing you forsake.
To be able to make someone's heart ache
with the way your hair billows
the way your brow furrows
the way your teeth shows in a smile
the way you dress in just the right style
the way you always says goodbye
the way your silhouette is framed against the sky.
I wonder how it feels
to never struggle to be heard
to have someone hang on your every word

to receive help whenever you need
to never realise the pain you breed
to appear so close yet be so far
to collect all these hearts
in your little jar.

Oh how i wonder.

hey babe are you a zealot? cause i totally wanna be your stalker.

or maybe in my drug fueled chronically depressed high
ill find the inspiration to write a beautiful piece of literature
my landlord who barges into my room, about to evict me
chances upon my writing
he who fancies himself as an amateur writer instantly falls in love with it
my writing is published in the local newspaper
then some publishing company calls me
offers me a contract
my parents call, having saw my photo in the local paper
after a tearful (on my part) reunion, they convince me to join rehab
i enrol myself in rehab
i meet a nice nurse
she knows everyones name
shes beautiful, intelligent, caring
she tells me funny stories about all the patients here
we start hanging out all the time
i ask her out to dinner
she agrees
slowly and romantically, we begin our courtship
i become clean
i write a fictional book based on my experience
it becomes an instant bestseller
i become rich
i get married
i have kids
i live a happy life
i die comfortably of old age
with no regrets.
or maybe i just finish my assignment on time.
its amazing how easily everything could potentially work out again.

i like blogs
i can write whatever the fuck i want
then just delete it later
before people sees them
it makes me feel naughty
fuck this world
fuck my life
im not gonna finish this assignment
which means i wont pass the practical component
which means ill fail this paper
which means i wont be able to graduate this year
which means i wont be able to do post grad next year
which means i will have to waste a year
which means i probably will end up working instead of going back to uni
which means ill end up in some shitty dead end job that pays shit
which means ill run around everyday kissing peoples ass just to keep my job
which means no girl is going to want to marry me
my parents will prob kick me out of the house
ill get depressed
ill stop going out
ill lose all my friends
then ill get even more depressed
ill start doing drugs
spend all of my time gambling
lose all my money
start stealing supplies from work
get caught by the fat receptionist lady
be forced to have sex with her just so she wont rat me out
drink every night just to be able to fall asleep
then one day ill just give up altogether
and commit suicide
or die from hunger
and thats how easily everything can fall apart.

Easter Sunday

It was a good day today. I'm really happy, and a little bit sad.

Priorities

I need to keep my head in the game.
I need to stop being led astray by you people.
I need to focus.
I need to prioritise.
I need to study!

You

I have the capacity to hurt,
I have the capacity to hate.
But because i care about you,
Because i don't want to lose you,
These things i will not do.
Yet should you continue to be an ignorant fool,
Don't blame me for changing my mind.