Im 5 years old again

Today, i embarked on a safari down memory lane. As i watched The Lion King, i was a five year old boy again, absorbed into the beautiful world of Africa and the magic of talking animals. Everything was so fresh, so new, yet so familiar at the same time. I thoroughly loved every second of it. I think ive finally been able to understand the movie on a whole new level. I actually understood the entire plot, and Scars sarcasm. Its amazing how much wit there is hidden behind such a simple children's tale. I dont recall ever laughing this hard watching it before, but then again, i think half the time i was simply laughing out of nostalgia. Just hearing Timone speak for the first time again triggered so much emotions within me, and i just couldnt help but crack up. Honestly, what a beautifully made movie. The rich setting, the colourful characters, the witty dialogue, the amazing music, and the beautiful messages of responsibility, love and friendship just simply warms the heart. This movie will always deserve a special place within my heart, and i hope to watch it on the big screens again in 10, 15 years time with my children, and they'll enjoy it just as much as i know i will.

Hi I'm bobby and I like little boys

I think I might write a poem about little boys.

little boys are so cute and fat
oh how I wish I was cute like that
sometimes I just like to stare at them all day
sometimes it helps me keep my troubles away
if only I was a little boy
then I could have another little boy as my toy
and now I think I must be frank
I really need to go and wank

Today, i finally canceled my monthly donation of $15 to the Red Cross after more than two years of continued support. I used to have so much faith in the world. I believed that i could honestly make a difference, no matter how small the amount. I believed that all the good things i did, will amount to something, and that even if people did not appreciate it, the universe would.

But as i wake up each morning, facing yet another day in this life, a little bit of that faith dies. Everyday, i grow a little more indifferent, a little more selfish, smothered by the banality of life. I used to think that humans are intrinsically good, but some turn evil due to their nurture. Now i find myself believing more and more that humans are intrinsically evil, and it is only the fear of retribution that keeps us from committing harm. We are all selfish, we are all animals, and our civilization is nothing but an illusion. Its amazing how easily we revert to our animalistic instincts and discard all allusions of grandeur and sophistication. We are worse than animals. At least they dont kill their own species out of sheer pleasure.

I find myself losing hope in the humanity within all of us, within myself, in the face of all that goes on around me. Everyday i contemplate my purpose here in life, and each day, i resign myself a little more to a banal life where i will eat, shit, work, fuck and sleep while awaiting my eventual death. Where i live for the sake of staying alive. I want to break free of this world. Run away, to a far distant planet, where magic still exists and people still care about each other. I really want to.

Im running out of time. Soon, ill even stop caring about that.

New found heights

a wise man once told me, some people are physically short, but  mentally tall, while others are physically tall, but  mentally short. since my teenage years, my height has been one of my greatest insecurities. i constantly look at other men and try to size them up, gauging their height, wishing that i was just a few centimetres taller. such insecurities are like a disease, slowly rotting my mind and self-esteem.

now ive realised, i am my own greatest critic. it is not that i am physically small, but rather small-minded. our society is discriminatory towards height, yet half the population falls below the average height. this means that short people are actively participating in height discrimination themselves, yet we complain that society is prejudiced towards shorter people. we have victimized ourselves, fallen on our own swords. the root of the problem does not lie with society, for everything is relative - 50% of the population will always be below the average height, it is statistically dictated. the problem is within ourselves.

how can i hope to appeal to others, to demand respect and admiration, when i do not respect nor believe in myself? it is not how i look that will determine anothers judgement of me, but rather who i am, and what i do. i think it is time to cast away these old shackles that have been holding me back all these years, and raise  myself to my true height.

The perfect day

The perfect day is not the day

where you accomplish the most,

or when everything goes your way

nor is it measured by the number of

successes you can boast, no.

The perfect day is in the secret songs birds sing
in the subtle advent of spring.

It is in the quiet subservience of grass blades

as a cat stalks silently through your garden.

It is in the way leaves listen so attentively

as the wind whispers in its ears.

It is in the lazy lull of listless clouds

as they marvel at the blue sky.

The perfect day is in the loving texture

of a sandwich made by your mom.

It is in the lingering of coffee

as it relishes the bittersweet aftertaste of you.

It is in the shivering joy of running your fingers

down the smooth spine of a riveting read.

It is in the beauty of the sun

reflected off of your glowing iridescent skin.

Yes, the perfect day is the day 

where you accomplish the least,

when nothing seems to be going your way

yet you feel completely at ease.

Happy birthday simon

simon smells
like bad bowels
he is homosexual
but call him special
or he will get hurt
and he will act curt
without explanation
not changing his expression
even if you tell a funny joke
he will sit there and sulk
at a desk on a computer
or sob quietly into his shower
he wants to eat
but the scales he must beat
money is his greatest enemy
he wont look twice at a penny
he wants to be a billionaire
but sadly life is unfair
he is easily distracted
assignments become protracted
even though they're easy
cause arts is just breezy
he loves to play basketball
but he drew the short straw
when he decided on a spree
to have a fight with a tree
and subsequently lost
and boy did it cost
but he has learnt his lesson
now he knows the reason
for his very existence
in this blog in this sentence
is because he is gay
and its his birthday.


i love you bro. no homo.
and have an awesome day today.

i think this is going to be my wedding song

Poem

i do not know the meaning of success,
for i have never tasted its fruit.
but i am all too familiar
with the bitter relish of failure,
and all its inconvenient truth.

i do not know the meaning of love,
for i have never felt its caress.
but i am no stranger to
the icy embrace of winter blues,
and its lonely notes of distress.

i do not know the meaning of happiness,
for i have never seen its radiance.
but ive grown accustomed with
my tears' solitary kiss,
as they renounce their allegiance.

i do not know the meaning of friendship,
for i have never heard its laughter.
but ive long become acquainted
to the smiles painted
on faces in this life and the hereafter.

i do not know the meaning of hope,
for i have never inhaled its aroma.
but im a seasoned veteran
when it comes to its sullen brethren,
who suffocates me with its invisible aura.

however i do know the meaning of defeat
rejection, sadness, despair and hate.
for they have accompanied me
from the very beginning,
until the day my life doth fade.

Take me to your heart

eyes tightly shut.
face contorted in emotion.
chest heaving.
hands held up in supplication.
vocal cords straining.
completely lost in oblivion.
that is the way i like to sing.

man havnt been to karaoke in a long time. it felt amazing to be able to shout and scream. its been a shitty few weeks, and being able to sing my heart out has really given me the outlet i needed for all the pent up negative emotions within me. now i feel drained, but my heart seems a little bit lighter.

In life there are 3 kinds of love.

There is love, big love, and then theres great love.
"Love you get over in two months.
Big love you get over in two years.
And great love, well great love...it changes your life."

Today i watched "Win a Date with Tad Hamilton" again, the first time since when i first saw it in the cinemas back in 2004. I seem to have forgotten how sweet the movie actually was. Back then, i was just a tiny 3rd former. I had seen it with Susan, my childhood friend who was about to move to Australia. She was my first friend in New Zealand, and we really had a special kind of friendship. Our friendship was purely platonic, she was like a sister to me. We played together countless times growing up, yet this movie was only the second movie we ever saw together, and it was to be our last. After the movie, we went to a family friends house where a farewell party was being held for her and her parents. At the time, i was obsessed with some other girl. All i could do was go on about how she was my "Tad Hamilton" that night. Yet as i left the house knowing that i wouldnt see Susan again, a little part of me seemed to have been left behind. I know this sounds very cliched. You see in movies all the time where the main character looks forlornly into the night sky and whispers "a little part of me died that night". Well, its true. There was a physical sensation within my chest that a part of me was no longer there.The only way i can describe it to you so that you may understand is that it felt as if a part of my chest was physically removed. There was a sensation of absence with the cavity of my chest. It felt empty. An inexplicable feeling of sadness seemed to just wash over me. It smothered me. I realised that Susan was more than just a friend to me. She was something else. I guess that's why they say the only way we can know what we have is to lose it.

"Do you think it is possible to love someone your entire life and never realize it?"

I think that the bonds you forge growing up, will be the strongest kind of bonds you'll ever make in life. You might meet a thousand different people later on in life, but you will never have that same level of connection. The friendship is almost automatic, its subconscious, ingrained into your soul. There is a kind of familiarity between the two of you that is at once esoteric yet at the same time so commonplace, like knowing the lines in your palm. In the movie, Peter had known Rosie for 22 years. There was no other man that couldve known her the way he did (well maybe except for her father but thats a little bit creepy). She was literally the love of his life. The notion of being in love with someone who you know every little detail about and which you love her for, is just so painfully romantic. It is the kind of love that you will never experience again in life. The kind of love that most people will never get to experience in life.

Lately ive realised that my dad and i have radically different ideologies. He is a realist, while i am a romanticist. Perhaps this is just a matter of lack of real life experience on my part, but i think that even at the age of 47, i will still have a sense of the ethereal within me. He has been constantly trying to drill the idea that a successful career and a stable job are the fundamental ingredients to finding love. While i acknowledge that financial stability is a vital component of a successful relationship, the romantic within me cannot accept the fact that money is the answer to love. I would rather live a life of bachelorhood, than marry out of convenience. I know that there is no such thing as The One, unless it simply means the one person you will marry such as when you say "i think shes the one". But the kind of love that Peter and Rosie have, thats what i want. Thats what i want in life. I dont care about fortune or fame. I just want to be able to live a happy life with the one i love, and my two kids (a son and a daughter in case you were wondering). These days, the only thing that truly scares me is that its too late for me to find this kind of love. I'm 20 years old. I'll study and then become moderately successful and get a stable job and get introduced to a girl, and she'll be pretty and smart and mentally stable and we'll get along well and we'll think that we're in love and we'll be comfortable and after a short while we'll get married and we'll have kids but the love will fizzle out after a few years and we'll maintain the marriage out of convenience and for the sake of our children and we'll grow old together and we won't sleep in the same bed and we bicker all the time but we'll tolerate each other because we're all that we have left and then we'll die. That's not what i want. You could call me naive, or unrealistic, or whatever the fuck you want. But seriously, why are we even here? There's got to be more to life.

'It is lonely when you're among people, too', said the snake.

Night

Every day, every night, I sit outside
Looking at the stars up in the sky
Hoping maybe, someday, I will find
All the answers that I'm seeking within my mind
I sit there, tears come, I begin to cry
A night of sorrow, a sorrowful life

- Simon Zhu