Woah, havnt written a lengthy post in a long time

I think in light of recent events and given my sober hungover state, its a perfect time to reflect and introspect.

I'm not proud of the person i've become, i can honestly say. It's not even the smoking, the drinking. Its the loss of my values, my resolve, my motivation. I've failed to value the important contribution my family plays in my life. I've failed to resolve my own problems, and instead turned to temporary escapes from reality and pushed the blame on the universe, when i am solely responsible for the mire im in. I've failed to motivate myself to study, to socialise, to stay healthy, to stay attuned to my surroundings, to take advantage of the opportunities ive been offered let alone go out into society and actively search for them.

Looking at the individual faces of the people lining up at primo, i've come to realise that im becoming the very type of person that i despise. If i wanted to be a promiscuous substance abusing hedonistic degenerate, i should've become one a long time ago. Its too late now to live that kind of lifestyle. Im too old to lose my integrity, to make bad decisions, to derail my life. Karma is real, and its got a seriously bitching round house kick.

I cannot continue down the path of self destruction any longer. I can't continue to jeopardise the integrity of my future career, future relationships, and future health. I dont want to live a life full of regret. Sure, that might sound cliched, but its only overused because its true.

Nothing good happens after 2am.
And nothing good ever comes out of doing something bad.

Right Next To You

One day when the sky is falling,
I'll be standing right next to you,
Right next to you.
Nothing will ever come between us,
I'll be standing right next to you,
Right next to you.

Funny thing

i never cease to be amazed at your ability to hurt me.

and i never cease to loathe my capacity to be hurt by you.

Question

you condescendingly ask me why i try so hard to be funny.

is it a flaw to so desperately want to see you smile?

If i could choose to have one super power

i would choose to have the ability to take back every single hurtful comment ive ever said to anyone.

lol

everyones so miserable with their own lives i dont even feel sorry for myself anymore

Remember the time

I've the sudden urge to go back to the time when we first met. Not so i can change your impression of me or say the witty comeback that i thought of later but was too late to say because the moment had already passed.
No. I just want to feel the exhiliration of meeting you for the first time again. To lose myself in the moment, in the dance of wits, sidestepping your traps, twisting and twirling my way around your sharp retorts, then leaping back with a counter of my own. To feel fear and exhaltation in equal measures, not knowing what you will say next, not knowing how you will react, not knowing if i'll ever see you again. To bathe in the giddy happiness that only an unsullied heart can feel. To not know how things will turn out between us. To not know all the pain,  sadness, suffering, anguish, rejection and heartbreak that lies ahead of me. To only see you in front me. Your eyes. Your smile. Your beauty. I want to feel that excitement again, to feel the adrenaline pumping through my veins, reminding every fibre of my being that i am still alive, that these are the moments i live for.

Plumet

where am i heading?
how far will i go?
it really feels like my universe
is spinning out of control.
while the rest of the world is embroiled
in a race to get to the top,
i cant help but feel im losing it
as the seconds tick by on the clock.
when every aspect of my life
seems to be falling apart,
at least i can take some solace
in this jovial work of art.
the antithesis to the 'goal' of society
a stark contrast to the social norm,
the aim of the game is to descend,
regardless of your form.
they'll tell you that those at the top
are the people with real balls.
but how brave do you have to be
to willingly free fall?
i know that success without effort
happens infrequently if not seldom,
yet who would've thought it'd be so hard
even to hit rock bottom.
i guess it goes to show that
no one is the exception to the rule in life.
if anyone wants to get anywhere
they won't be exempt from the strife.
but the real reason why im trying so hard
to get closer to the earth's core,
is because all i really want to do,
is to beat the top score.

Romantic love

is a commodity that most people in this world are not in a position to afford.
but despite that, there are still truly romantic moments in life that every person will get to enjoy.
just as there are still true moments of love we all get to experience.
i think for me, that would be enough.

Why is the world

so full of despair, full of suffering, full of war, full of loss, full of pain, full of loneliness, full of sadness, full of tears, full of lies, full of fear, and so full of heartache?

Why?

One word:

Desire.

Lol being an asshole is tiresome, i think i'll stop now.

I know what i want right now.

And that's to lose myself in you.