I used to read books.
Now I read the stock market.
I used to write poems and creative pieces.
Now I write emails and reports.
I used to believe in what I do.
Now I do what I need to get by.
I used to be hopeful and kind.
Now I'm pragmatic, practical, realistic.
How things have changed. I'm still struggling with this whole adulting thing.
I'm just not ready yet. It's been more than 3 years since I left Auckland and my life there seemed like another lifetime ago. It's not like I've been thrust into adulthood. If I think about it, it has been a slow transition. Yet somehow it still feels like I was still a teen one minute ago, and nek minnit I'm an adult with adult responsibilities and adult problems and adult things I have to do. Even though everything played out over many years, it feels like they all happened within seconds of each other. BAM leave Auckland. BAM graduate. BAM job. BAM house. What's next? Marriage? Then kids? Then retirement? Then death???
Now the days and weeks and months just fly by. Trying to hold onto time is like grasping desperately at sand as it slips through your fingers. Sounds cliched, but there's no better way to describe it. I'm beginning to lose all sense of time really. My life is no longer defined by events, or by eras (of individual girls that I liked). Now my life is defined by days that I have work, and days that I don't.
Nearly two years into my 'dream' job, my dreams are almost dead. It's all bullshit. Illusions of grandeur. It's not about saving the environment. It's just about getting by. We live to work, and we work to live.
And there is not fairness in this world. No justice. Only self-interest. You get stepped on till you're big enough, then you step on others and so on. That's the hierarchy of life. True to evolutionary biology, society is all about survival of the 'fittest'. The only way to remove yourself from this vicious cycle is to remove yourself from society (ie be a hermit).
Learning to navigate through life is all about understanding human nature. What drives people's behaviour, what are their desires. The better you understand these things, the better you play the game. And your ultimate goal? To be as rich and powerful as you can possibly be, so no one can shit on you. Life is like the game of thrones; you become the 'king' or you die trying.
I've rediscovered this blog in the last couple of days. I'm so glad I kept a blog over all those years. Reading through my old posts again is like watching a documentary about my life over those years. God, was I really this funny? Was I really this creative? Was I really this hopeful? Lol.
It makes me really miss my uni days in Auckland. I know I've said in a post before that life is only so beautiful because everything is ephemeral. But I can't help but want to return to those times. It's not even so I can do things differently, because things have turned out pretty well for me and I couldn't have asked for more. The reason I want to go back to those times is so I can feel like a non-adult again. To feel naive and hopeful about the world, to worry about insignificant things like girls and my future (lol what). That's why I increasingly find myself wanting to go back to Uni and do another degree. Partly because I want to upskill myself and have a career transition, but also because I just miss being a Uni student so much. But of course things will never be the same again.
I really miss those years, and the people in them. Now we're all living in different countries across the world, and some I don't even talk to at all any more. It's sad really, how life changes, how time passes and people move on and grow older and perspectives change and priorities change and livelihoods change. Even though I'm still friends with most of those people, they're so far away and we all have our own lives now. We no longer have nothing better to do other than sit in IC0 together.
Now I'm not saying the best years are behind me. No, they're still ahead of me. I've yet to spend the rest of my life with the love of my life. I've yet to travel the world and experience so many things. I've yet to hold my child and seem them grow up. In fact, in many ways I'm happier than I've ever been.
But I still really miss the good ol days. All I have now are memories.
