Tales of mere existence

there's so much beauty in this world

i can never hope to capture it all at once.

a painter's brush,

a poet's words,

the beauty of the universe forever eludes their grasp.

though we all live under the same stars,

this particular set are eternally mine.

from their perch upon the heavenly kingdoms,

their ageless wisdom

endlessly shines.

their proximity is nothing but an illusion,

for they are eons apart.

condemned to a life of solitude,

each star smiles a solemn smile

from afar.

i now know the reason why i cannot cry,

it is because i have been given the gift of strength.

in the humble presence of such magnificence,

all one can shed

is one's pretense.

i long to leave this earthly abode,

shooting into space at the speed of light.

planets and suns and galaxies all flashing past

as i journey towards the ends of the universe,

nothing to mark my passage but a trail of stardust.

this earthen vessel can constrain me no longer,

my soul clamours for release.

like smoke diffusing into the night sky,

i drift into space in search of

eternal peace.

the twinkle in the stars eyes,

betray their esoteric secret of what awaits yonder.

i see with clairvoyant eyes,

beyond this perpetual darkness

lies infinite wonders.

Sometimes if you treat people too nicely they'll just take you for granted.

Like an abandoned galleon

Like an abandoned galleon marooned on the desolate shores of solitude

I feel the sands of time ebb away from beneath me.

I slowly sink!

The unforgiving winds whip my withered white sails,

turning them the colour of decay.

I slowly sink!

Salt and dampness, the constant dampness,

eats away my pillaged hull, a systemic necrosis.

I slowly sink!

The ocean, my solace, my refuge, my friend,

flees farther with each wave of its hand, repulsed by my grotesque form.

I slowly sink!

I lie motionless on this soft bed of silica, stranded,

dreaming of prosperous times and former glory,

sailing the seven seas from Spain to the New World.

I slowly sink.

The next generation

today i found out that my little brother has a facebook account. apparently all his friends has one too, and he had faked his age in order to create it. however feeling that he was too young to be participating in the world of online social networking, i made him deactivate it. i dont know if i did it because i suddenly felt really protective and duty bound as an older sibling, or because i was scared by how much he had grown up in my absence. it was like i didnt know him at all.

just before i deactivated his account, i scrolled down his page to see what he had been doing. mostly it was just games that he played, and one little girl posting on his wall saying "hah you finally have facebook!" to which my 10 year old brother replied "Lol". God, i didnt even know that he knows what "lol" meant already. It felt like not long ago that i was still teaching him english. Then i scrolled down his page further and there was a photo of me standing with him hanging off my back smiling happily at the camera. it had been taken on our family trip last christmas. it made my heart ache a little. it makes me wonder how he sees me in his eyes. sometimes i feel like i've been a bad brother. im so caught up in my own shit that i forget to spend time with him. i seem to forget that im his role model and the person that he looks up to the most. ive spent increasingly less time at home since uni started 3 years ago, im missing the most important years of his childhood. i hardly take him out these days, or even bother to play xbox with him. we were so close once upon a time. i remember the days when he was just an infant and i would carry him on my back all over avondale. nowdays, i seem to just take him for granted.

i think from now on i will devote more time to hanging out with my little brother. the holidays are coming up, think ill take him somewhere, watch a movie, or maybe go to rainbows end. hes going to be a teenager soon, and if i dont take a more active role in his life now, i might truly find myself one day sitting next to a not so little stranger at the dinner table.

sometimes i wonder how we would have met, had we not met the way we did. would we have met at a party? a club event? or would our lives not cross paths at all?

and if we did meet under different circumstances, would we have hit it off straight away? would you be enchanted by me? would we still be good friends like we are today? or would we only be mere acquaintances? or maybe something more?

and if we were to not know each other at all, what would it be like if we were to come across each other on the street walking in opposite directions? would our eyes meet? would you hold my gaze in the brief moment we pass each other by? would there be a spark? would we both look back until each of us has been swallowed by the city once more, never to meet again? or would you walk right on by, oblivious to my existence, only looking straight ahead at what is in front of you, while my step falters as i lay my eyes upon your face, an inexplicable feeling rising in my chest that we may have known each other in an alternate universe?

Man i gotta get out of this town

Even if it's the same bullshit again, at least the plate it's served on will be different.

Once again i find myself sitting on the front steps of my house gazing up at the stars. In my hand dangles a cigarette that always seems to burn out too quickly. A couple of meters away, my tenant's cat sits on the concrete watching me warily, my only company on these nights of contemplation and introspection. I think it's still scared of me, but at least now we've established somewhat of a harmonious coexistence.

I think i really need to get out of this place. Its too small. And i want a cat.

Happy birthday blog!

Wow, can't believe my blog is one year old now. In one year, i have managed to publish a total of 157 posts. That's just under 1 post every two days. Some I've put a lot of thought into, some were just fillers or whatever was on my mind. Some were happy and optimistic, some were introspective and depressing. Some were rather good pieces of writing (if i may say so myself), some were just plain awful. But regardless of the good and the bad, all these posts have become an integral part of me and my history now. They've chronicled my ups and downs for the past year and some of my innermost thoughts have been expressed on here. I'm proud of the fact that i have managed to continue to blog on a regular basis for a whole year, and i think my writing capabilities have drastically improved over the year. I would like to thank all my readers for your continued support and readership. I don't know exactly how many people still read this, but i appreciate you taking the time to read and comment, and i hope that my writing has given you some enjoyment too. I hope that i will continue to share my thoughts/writing with you this year, and that this blog can continue to be a source of entertainment for you when you find yourself scrolling the facebook news-feed aimlessly at 12am on a restless night.

Make them disappear and we can stay

There's a pain that sleeps inside
It sleeps with just one eye
And awakens the moment that you leave
Though I try to look away
The pain it still remains
Only leaving when you're next to me

Do you know, that everytime you're near
Everybody else seems far away
So can you come and make them disappear
Make them disappear and we can stay

So I stand and look around
Distracted by the sounds
Of everyone and everything I see
And I search through every face
Without a single trace, of the person
The person that I need

Do you know, that everytime you're near
Everybody else seems far away
So can you come and make them disappear
Make them disappear and we can stay

Can you make them disappear?
Make them disappear

Eyes Open

from my open eyes i see

coloured confetti flutter their wings like butterflies. 

illuminated by the strange lights, they slowly descend 

upon the angel seated at the center of the stage. 

a simple stringed instrument nestled in her delicate arms.

she strums with one hand the chords that 

reverberate within the hollow of my heart,

and with the other, she ascends the stairway to my soul.

from her lungs pour forth the story of my life,

and from her eyes shine a light that 

holds the deepest secrets of the universe.

One hundred years of solitude

I've finally finished reading One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. It feels like as if I've only just woken from a century long dream. What a magical, ethereal adventure it has been. Im still not entirely convinced I've fully returned to reality. This book is no mere novel, it is a portal into an alternative fantasy world that mirrors our own. I think it'll be one of the few books in my life that I will read twice. It's left me in a state of surrealism and bewilderment. At the same time, i am overcome with a pervasive sense of loneliness and desolation.

The theme of solitude seems to pervade throughout the entire book. It permeates each page to the point of saturation. It is written in the lines, in the spaces between the lines, and even in the most desolate corners of each page. Although i cannot hope to fully grasp the magnificent scope of the underlying messages the author conveys through this literary masterpiece, i am certainly left with a better understanding of human solitude.

Human solitude is a dreadfully beautiful thing. It is an ideal, a state of being, and a way of life. The book portrays both facets of solitude. There is the desolate, hopeless and incapacitating misery that leaves one sobbing into ones own pillow at night, but there is also the quiet, soothing, solitary peace of ones own company. I don't know what saddens me more - the characters in the story who willingly choose to lead a life of solitude, or the ones who are left in solitude due to a twist of fate or the cruelty of life. But whether it is deliberate or indeliberate, it seems that all of the characters in the book cannot escape the eternity of solitude. Whether they are in the arms of a spouse, lover, or prostitute, each character seems to be irremediably alone. Even those who did manage to find true love found it through the understanding, solidarity and compassion gained from an existence of mutual solitude. In other words, a Hundred Years of Solitude is about a fictional society of people who are forever alone together, because it is lonely among people too.

Another pervasive theme is the unforgiving passage of time and the false promises of disillusionment and nostalgia. The eternity of time serves only to emphasize the fickleness of the human heart and how easily people can lose sense of reality in the labyrinth of memories. One quote that really made an impression on me perfectly embodies this idea - "The past was a lie, that memory has no return, that every spring gone by could never be recovered, and that the wildest and most tenacious love was an ephemeral truth in the end." It seems that only in the lament of our own solitude, do we come to cherish all the memories we have shared in the company of others, no matter how mundane it may have seemed at the time. The simple act of eating a healthy home-cooked meal with one's family, which we seem to take for granted, might become a precious memory when we grow older and move out of the house. Nostalgia is an affliction that we will suffer with greater frequency as we age, until we cease to live in the present altogether, becoming lost in the annals of our life.

I guess what I've learnt from this book is that everything in life is ephemeral, be it friendship, wealth, or love. Time itself is eternal, but our time on this world is not. There's really no point in wasting time wallowing in the misery of self-inflicted solitude. Go find someone and have a sexy adventure rumpus instead. I know this sounds cliched, but enjoy the little things, and the people around you, because "races condemned to one hundred years of solitude did not have a second opportunity on earth."

Dont wanna close my eyes, dont wanna fall asleep

cause for no apparent reason =/
and i have 9am start tomorrow. why do i do this to myself knowingly?

gg, redbull time.

I want to watch Taxi Driver. And Lost in Translation again.

A Short Story

There's this park bench in Browns Bay that i always like to sit on during my breaks while at work. It overlooks a small oasis with an artificial pond and a small waterfall, surrounded by flaxes and other native plants. I've been sitting there for as long as I've been working at Browns Bay, so roughly for the past 6 years. I always sat there alone, even though there was enough space for four. I didn't like having to share it with other people. I guess it was kind of my personal space, even though it was a public amenity.

During the holidays, sometimes I'd sit there everyday, lounging in the sun and enjoying the cool breeze. Sometimes I'd watch the sparrows bath in the waterfall. Sometimes I'd watch the ducks swim in the pond. Sometimes I'd watch the clouds roll by. Sometimes I'd watch the little kids walk along the paved rocks that lined the circumference of the pond. I used to walk along them myself, and jump across the middle where it tapered to about a metre wide, but these days I'd just watch other kids do it, and hold my breath every time i think they're about to fall into the water. Sometimes, I'd be watching nothing at all, just staring blankly into space as I retreat into the privacy of my own thoughts. I guess for me it was not only an escape from the monotonous and sometimes arduous activities of work, but also a chance for me to reflect on my own thoughts, allowing me to find words of self-comfort and reprieve from problems that have been very taxing on my mind. Sometimes I wouldn't be thinking about anything at all. I'd lie there in the sun with the clouds rolling by overhead enjoying the cool breeze on the park bench beside the pond where the kids played. And I'd sleep. I must've spent countless hours on that bench over the past years, and I've enjoyed every second of it.

So as I found myself once again in that familiar surrounding today, with the warmth of the sun on my face and the soothing coolness of the wind in my hair and the sound of children's laughter in my ears, a new thought that never occurred to me before occurred to me. What if everyday for the past 6 years someone had walked past that little reserve during lunch break or on their way home, and once a week during school weeks and almost everyday during the holidays, they'd see a solitary asian boy sitting there by himself on the park bench, doing nothing in particular but simply sitting there, staring into the water or at his hands. On some days, he'd be seen playing on his cellphone, perhaps texting a friend, but he'd always be sitting by himself. And week after week, year after year, as the faces of the brave kindergarteners that walk along the edge of the pond become unfamiliar, as the juvenile flax plants grow into towering adults, as the boy slowly matures into a man, his solitary silhouette can still be seen sitting on the park bench from afar. I wonder, how that would look to a passerby. I hope he or she doesn't feel too lonely.

And then i thought, how many more years will i continue to sit at this park bench, on a warm sunny afternoon with the soft breeze billowing by and the listless clouds floating past, beside the artificial pond where sparrows bathed and ducks swam and children played, as always by myself, staring at nothing in particular, lost completely in my own little world, untouchable by the outside world, despite being in plain sight of everyone else? Will i still be there when the little girl that desperately holds onto her big brothers hand for fear of falling into the water become a guiding sibling herself? Will i still be there when the little boy who gets scolded by his mother in Japanese for straying too close to the water becomes a father himself and takes his son to the pond to play? Will i still be sitting there, by myself, on the park bench in the sun enjoying the cool breeze, beside the pond with the waterfall where sparrows bathed and ducks swam, staring at the water or my hands or my cellphone or nothing in particular, lost in my own thoughts and smiling to myself for no particular reason other than because i can? I wonder.

Who needs nyan cat, when you have......TECHNO CAT!!!

Welcome to the real world

Although its thursday, today felt like my first real day of uni. As i walked down grafton road towards the business school, i couldn't help but feel a tremor of excitement at the prospect of a new course and a new school year.

And my god, what an eye opening 3 hours its been. Walking out of the tutorial room in an almost catatonic state, i have been overwhelmed by the nature of the information i have been given today and the revelations i have made. I went into class today with the preconceived notion that the difference between postgrad and stage 3 was the same as that of bewteen stage 2 and 1. That postgrad was just about learning my subjects on an even more detailed and specific level. Boy was i wrong. It seems that unbeknownst to me, for the past 3 years i have been spoon fed information in easily manageable packages and told to regurgitate in a form as seen fit by the institution. There was a high level of rigidity within my courses, the knowledge spectrum was very black and white, there was always a right and wrong answer.

If my mind was a parakeet, then undergrad was the cage that served to 'protect' and 'nurture' its growth. Postgrad in contrast, is the hand that opens the cage door and releases my mind from captivity, allowing it to soar into the boundless depths of creativity and critical thinking. Today, i was introduced to a new way of thinking, and that is to question the way that we think. It seems that we have all been brainwashed by the institution into sheeps and sent blissfully unaware on our way to the slaughterhouse. We forget to question the status quo, the way this institution is run, the way society is run. We are so entrenched in our disciplines and methodologies that we become trapped in our particular way of thinking. It never occurs to us to take a different approach to an issue other than the one we've been taught. Well what my first day of postgrad has taught me is that we must recognise that there is more than one approach to solving a problem. That we must think outside the box. That maybe we dont have it all figured out. I know you're probably thinking "well, duh! that's common sense" but the fact is often when we're trying to solve a problem, we forget to think outside the box. We fail to question our thought processes and the methods that we employ, and we fail to recognise that there is more than one way of doing things.

This is the beauty of an interdisciplinary science. Instead of being mired in the specific details of a hard science where we are very likely to lose context, an interdisciplinary approach allows us to see the wider picture, drawing on aspects from both social sciences and natural sciences  It allows us to appreciate the viewpoints of professionals in other disciplines and acknowledge that their contribution is just as critical to the success of finding a solution to a problem, or coming up with a policy. These are the things that i have been afraid to say during tutorial, because everyone else seems to come from a much wealthier background of experiences than me and so i will say it here. There was one exchange student from Denmark in particular. She was rather pretty and seemed a little older than me. Her articulation and the clarity of her thoughts and the ease with which she was able to communicate them truly astounded me. It seemed like she had such an informed opinion and a true grasp on the concepts that were conveyed today whereas i just sat there clueless and afraid to speak out. It has made me realise just how inexperienced i am at my field, let alone life. It seems that after 3 years, i still do not have knowledge, only a bunch of out of context information on concepts and methodologies that i cant even apply to real life situations. It's made me realise how much learning i have to catch up on, how much i have to radicalise my way of thinking, and how much new experiences i need to subject myself to in order to become someone that can function properly in the real world.